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What motivated the makeover?

Posted on December 13, 2012 by Sonoma Valley Sun

Dear Dr. Forsythe: Our 12 year-old- son managed to outdo himself last week while I was out of the house for a short while. “Junior” took my husband’s beard clippers and did his own special grooming work on our Border Collie, “Emerald.” By “grooming” I mean he shaved a big four-inch reverse Mohawk all the way down her back, from her neck to her tail.  Then he put hair gel all through her fur and made spikes all along her sides. When I came home and walked into the family room, he was just about to apply a coat of nail polish to her toenails.  I just stood there in shock, not able to say a word. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry but I must admit I did lose my temper when he started to laugh at the situation and the shock I was in.  Emerald was a trooper through it all, but my husband thinks our son should be grounded for a month or until Emerald’s hair grows back, whichever takes longer. What do you think?

– Vicki M.
Greenbrae

Dear Vicki: I think it sounds like you have a very creative son. In my opinion, the “what” is much less important than the “why.” If you have an imaginative, loving and creative boy who was dolling up his dog for fun and because he has a lot of pent up design ideas in his head, that is not something I would get angry about.  If he is loving and caring for the dog, and did what he did with love the way a person would dress up a doll, I think it would be harmful and even traumatic to punish him.  This could be very hurtful to him and make him feel belittled and dismissed.

Instead, I’d focus in on the “why?”  Why is your son doing drastic haircuts on the dog, dawning styling gel and getting out the nail polish?  Perhaps this is a signal that he has a creative urge and is trying to use Emerald as an outlet for his desire to become a stylist, a designer, a beautician, or something else which he worries may be taboo, but in actuality, is quite fabulous.

If, on the other hand, Junior is vandalizing Emerald in a mean or cruel way, like a bully would — taunting, teasing or being mean to her — this could indicate a problem that warrants professional help, in my opinion.  The important distinction here is your son’s intent, and from your letter, it sounds like you have a boy who went a little overboard in the style department, treating his pet like an artist treats a blank canvas or a designer uses a model.  Perhaps he was only trying to get her runway ready!  Who knows, if you’d been out another couple of hours, you may have come home to an entire doggie fashion show!?

My hunch is that your son may be blossoming into someone rather fabulous, and rather fast.  I think a good frank discussion with him is in order.  If I were you I’d make sure dad is in on this talk as well and I recommend that you both stay calm, loving and very supportive and open minded at all time with him.

I still carry bad childhood memories of my parents disdain and disgust because  I would always come to the dinner table with a snake, lizard, scorpion, or tarantula that I had caught.  It was often hidden in my pocket and would generally slither, hop or undulate out and onto the table somewhere among the soup, salad or the main course. My folks could never understand the joy and utter pleasure these slimy creatures gave me, and they were even less tolerant as housekeeper after housekeeper quit after witnessing something slithering across the floor uninvited.  I knew I was their “unusual” child, but I nevertheless didn’t understand why my parents were never able to just chill out and accept these little animals I brought home as a natural part of our lives?

If all the energy they spent hollering at me to “take that damn snake outside at once” could have been harnessed into a kinder, gentler form of communication when I was a youngster, I’d probably have had a much happier childhood.  (And they would have needed fewer martinis!)

So my message to you is this:  Grab up these valuable clues that your son is giving you through his behavior with Emerald.  They are clear windows into his heart and soul.  I suggest you see the uniqueness, beauty, wonder and fun in why he did what he did and start celebrating it (and him) now.

Good luck. You and your husband clearly have your hands full, and from the sounds of it, so does Emerald!

– Dr. F.





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