From birds to bees

Spring has sprung, bees are buzzing and so are people. As birds bring tiny branches to my bird house, humans seem to want community, too.

But, I notice that life can be lonely when we don’t connect with neighbors and loved ones, when we’re shunned or widowed or whatever. It can be isolating as we grow older and people relocate or pass away. Empty nest, indeed.

Sometimes there’s rejection or the silent treatment. The more I talk to people; everyone has some of this in their lives. What’s up with that? Shunning or judgment creates anger, hurt or confusion. Ever wonder, what happened to that person anyway? How can we grow and learn when we don’t know?

Well, some days I view people who shut down as cowardly. And, on more compassionate days I know it is learned behavior from long ago. After all, wasn’t John Wayne the master of tight jaw?

It just seems to me that if we are all busy putting up walls instead of building bridges, we can’t blame politicians or TV for violence when we don’t practice respectful negotiation and listening in our own backyards. Ya’ think?

Resolution is so much easier when both people admit their part in the problem and move on to completion. Like more grass in the nest, it creates a safety net.

Trying to fill those gaps isn’t easy, but I believe there is almost nothing as important as community. In a big world, spinning out of control, we have such possibility if we connect. And with the advent of computers, texts it is much too easy to ignore real palpable intimacy.

There is a lot of proof about the importance of connection. “In people who felt as though they had few social connections, the researchers found that certain genes linked to inflammation were over-expressed, while other genes involved in antiviral responses were suppressed. Being lonely, it turns out, can literally make you sick.” So reads “Oprah” magazine, March 2014.

I know sometimes it’s hard to reach out. And getting too many emails, some easy to misinterpret, can gum up the works. And It takes effort to mend fences, but as we face the end of the treadmill, or even when we feel we’ve already paid our dues, conversation in community is important, otherwise, all our wisdom and wit will be lost legacies, going down the tubes …or is it YouTubes?

Even though I teach conflict resolution and help people heal from loss, change, confusion or coupling problems, I find having emotional hairballs is as pivotal as learning to speak up effectively or doing self-care.

We are living in difficult times, even on sunny days. The middle class continues to decline, with median family income some $5,000 less than it was in 1999. More Americans, 46.5 million, are now living in poverty than at any time in our nation’s history. Child poverty, at 21.8 percent, is the highest of any major country.

When my parents died, my brother had a stroke, and my divorce followed, writing and talking to people saved my life and my health. My community, no matter how tattered or torn, saved me. Does it take tough times to turn towards each other ? Is our world collapsing so we can reconnect?

In “The Power of Habit” Charles Duhigg comments on the profound shift of social movements in our history. For example, Rosa Parks’ friends spread the word about her arrest and people who hardly knew her decided to participate in her freedom.

Duhigg says it means that it might be your surrounding community that flies around like bees to help get you the honey. For instance, even while trying to get a job it might not be your best friends who help the most. It’s the entire collective. Surprisingly, often job seekers also received help from casual acquaintances, friends- of friends, etc.

The value of community is beyond words. And it’s not just your close circle that matters, it’s the entire hive.

Katy Byrne, MFT Psychotherapist in Sonoma specializes in transitions, eating disorders, conflict resolution and the kitchen sink.