Simple acts of community

This town blows my mind. Sure, I wish the rent prices would decrease and the diversity downtown would increase. Higher pay, less traffic. But I gotta’ tell you, when I am out and about and hear people’s stories and feel their hearts and hugs, it rocks my world.

Well, maybe not that orgasmic, but the tribe here helps me feel better after a challenging day.

When I’m lonely, I sit in the square with my dogs. People always say, “aw, how cute!” And I ask, “Hey, aren’t I cute too?” (Always good for a chuckle.)

Sonoma is friendly and sunny. Oh, I know it’s not perfect. Sometimes it reminds me of a chocolate éclair. Sweet and good looking, but hollow in the middle. Maybe your more of a doughnut person. Who am I to judge?

What stops community from flowing and expanding even more? Judging others.

The other night a friend peered across the restaurant, at a group of women. Leaning into my ear, she muttered: “Oh, I bet they are arrogant and uppity.” I whispered, “How do you know that one doesn’t have cancer or has lost her savings?” She nodded with more empathy. We all tell stories in our heads about others and then we have criticism and separation. What’s up with that?

Is it just human nature to judge others? But, it’s also the problem with the world. Margaret Wheatley says, “It is very difficult to give up our positions, our beliefs, and our explanations. They help define us…I believe we will succeed in changing this world only when we can think and work together in new ways. We don’t have to let go of what we believe, but we do need to be curious about what someone else believes.”

My relationships work best when I drop my stories and stop being miffed and just love people. It’s not always easy. Getting triggered is a part of our brain function. Survival instincts build little nests in our heads and then we split off from others in fear, hurt or resentment. But, what makes community click is healing the splits in ourselves and realizing humility and patience go a long way.

Like last week; my frizzy hair looked like it had been plugged into an electric socket. Computer problems, plumbing leaks, insomnia and sensitive friends abounded. But, I found a great guy to fix my fence at no expense and a girlfriend came to rescue my computer – no bill. That’s how this community shows up!

So, I want to thank this community for your laughter, your listening, your bag of oranges, for encouraging me not to beat myself up, for advising me, for not advising me, for comforting me, crying and chuckling with me, helping me rake leaves, listening to my emotional hairballs, for telling me your deepest darkest fears or hopes, for freeing my carpenter bees, being there…dropping off ladders and apple crisp… your generosity of spirit.

Thanks for clearing up foggy conflicts and hanging in there even when you’re hot and bothered.

A huge hug to the folks involved in animal rights, for piling wood, telling good jokes, bad jokes, holding my hand during that God awful foreclosure period. A big smooch to the people who ask, “Where are the pups?”

Thanks for helping me pick songs to sing and sweat through. Thanks for the articles you gave me to read. I can’t get all that I have to say into this column. So, thank you for whatever you did.

We have a world full of challenges and suffering because humans are prejudicial, withdrawn or angry. It’s not that I don’t get nitpicky and peeved myself, but keep your eye on the ball (not the hairball) of common good and accept imperfections.

We need each other.

Katy Byrne, MFT is a Psychotherapist in Sonoma, editor and animal lover. Her private practice specializes in: life transitions, couples communication, eating issues, moving forward, conflict resolution and the kitchen sink.