Use your words

Why is communication so hard? We all have emotional hairballs sometimes. But, if we could just talk to each other, we wouldn’t get so angry all the time.

Humans struggle with difficult conversations. Shunning, bolting, prejudice, ribbing, gabbing, gossiping, guff and fly balls abound instead of reasonable dialogue. Our fight or flight impulses can run the show. So, what to do?

If our species could speak and listen well, wouldn’t we have a shot at world peace instead of shooting each other? As a friend said to me about her broken marriage: “I didn’t have the skills. I was busy bringing up kids. I didn’t know what to say.” Connection is an art. Learning to communicate is a piece of work.

But, being real with ourselves and others can be a sticky wicket. Sometimes we’re too fragile or we don’t know what to say or how to say it or we’re afraid of more conflict. And sometimes we just want to say, “screw it.”

Hiding doesn’t work well either. I’ve tried the ostrich thing, but people still feel my vibes. As Maya Angelou says; “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

So, sometimes detaching is best if people are blamers, abusive or too intrusive. It takes tremendous skill to resolve issues with difficult people. But learning to build bridges is important for our planet. In order to evolve as a species humans need to learn to communicate, using “I” statements. Be responsible for our own part of the problem, say our intention and ask for what we need or wish for. Sometimes, share our hurt or fears. There’s so much anxiety, resentment and judgment underneath arguments. All of us get triggered, but we don’t have to pull the trigger.

As Tich Nhat Hahn wrote: “We live in a time when there are so many sophisticated means for communication: emails, telephone, fax, yet it is very difficult for individuals, groups and nations to communicate with each other. We feel we can’t use our words to speak and so we use bombs to communicate.”

We all have stories in our heads about relationships that are sometimes not accurate. A few months ago I ran into the restroom on an old college campus and rushed head on into an old friend who I thought had cut me off. I stuttered from the stall next to hers, “I’ve always wondered why you didn’t like me?” She laughed uproariously saying she just adored me. We’ve been close ever since.

It’s a good example of how connections go sideways. I should have said, “Can I check something out with you?” Or, “I’d like to clear something up between us.” Or “I wish we were closer than we are.” But, being perfect at it isn’t always easy either.

On the other hand, we live in a society where everyone is “fine.” So, you can’t always share your soul and be safe. Like, at the bank, when they ask, “How are you?” you can’t really say, “I’m having a bad hair day” or how much gas you got from garlic fries or that you’re aghast at the clubbing of seals – it can be too much information. The world isn’t always open to genuine conversation on the fly.

Good communication is best done face to face and not in emails or texts. It’s a lost art, as wrote Turkle in “Reclaiming Conversation.” It requires being able to identify our intention, needs and being a respectful listener when triggers ignite. We all have emotions that rush through us at times but we can learn calm conversation. Being transparent and vulnerable is also a part of intimate connection, sharing our deeper fears or pain, like “I’ve missed you,” or “I’m afraid to talk about it.”

That’s why they call good dialogue intercourse. As Brene Brown said, “Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day… the choice to let our true selves be seen.”

All I can say is, try to have good intercourse.