Snark Infested Waters ~ Bob Edwards

Bob Edwards


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A proclamation to keep Sonoma Sonoma

Posted on March 9, 2017 by Bob Edwards

We note that City Council is entertaining whether to declare Sonoma a Sanctuary City, or some such thing. The idea is to demonstrate support for and unity with our Latino friends and neighbors who feel very threatened by the Gestapo-like ICE round-ups of undocumented residents recently ordered by He Who Shall Not Be Named.

Other cities & towns around the country have already proclaimed stiff middle-fingered opposition to the new administration’s Krystallnacht, with its detention and deportation of tens of thousands of undocumented residents regardless of their threat to public safety or ‘national security.’ While Council deliberates, ICE detention centers – known in another era as internment or concentration camps – are filling up with hardened housekeepers, cooks, laborers, parents and frightened children.

Fortunately, Council now seems ready to take action of some sort ‘soon.’ To stimulate helpful input into their thinking, we offer the following draft, encourage readers to add their own edits and ideas and e-mail them to Council for consideration:



WHEREAS, the Statue of Liberty proclaims “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore,” but makes no mention of visas or residency permits, and

WHEREAS, throughout history, migrants to our fair City have included adventurers, bankers, claim-jumpers, hotel developers, murderers, priests, politicians, prostitutes, robbers, rapists, and some have even been good people, and

WHEREAS, Sonoma was founded by Mariano Vallejo, a Mexican descendant of Spanish immigrants who all came to the New World by the boatload without proper documents in search of fortune, hot women, and a better life, and

WHEREAS, said Vallejo laid out the metes and bounds of our fair City, in commemoration of which his statue shall soon overlook our historic Plaza which he founded, and

WHEREAS, until the Bear Flag Revolt of 1846, Sonoma was a settlement in the Mexican territory of Alta California, populated by Native Americans, Mexican citizens and undocumented American aliens who crossed the border from the United States without proper visas or permission, and

WHEREAS, said Revolt was an armed insurrection by said undocumented aliens, which led to the creation of the Fairest State in the Union and the 6th largest economy in the world, and

WHEREAS, undocumented migrants to Sonoma included countless Chinese shanghaied to work in quarries, mines and fields and to build the ports and railroads that helped Make America Great In The First Place, and

WHEREAS, the Visitors Bureau, Tourism Improvement District and Chamber of Commerce, aided and abetted by City government, have continuously and with Charity toward all and Malice toward none, enticed visitors and migrants to come here from around the globe, the only documents ever required of them being cash or a valid credit card, and

WHEREAS, the wine, tourism and hospitality ventures that are the beating heart of our Valley would flat-line should our undocumented neighbors leave, stripping our families, neighborhoods, farms, saloons and enterprises of treasured friends and loved ones, not to mention the cooks, writers, waitresses, gardeners, professionals, chambermaids, truck drivers, students, clerks, teachers’ aides, mechanics, construction workers, musicians, managers, nannies, secretaries, artists, housekeepers and healthcare workers whose very presence makes Life in Sonoma as Grand as any on the planet, and

WHEREAS, regardless of gender, race, creed, color, religion, disability, ethnicity, sexual orientation, national origin, the language they speak or those they love, Sonoma has always accorded all migrants and visitors the same Respect and Rights as any citizen to enjoy our weather and good company, to purchase copious amounts of wine, food and shelter, to seek their livelihood, raise their families and school their children, PROVIDED, HOWEVER, that they commit no heinous crime or felony, leave no dead bodies in barrels in front of City Hall, abuse, injure or kill any Dog or other creature or otherwise disturb the tranquility of our fair City.

ACCORDINGLY, WE HEREBY RESOLVE that Sonoma Shall Defiantly Remain Sonoma, where the quality of one’s character, the contribution they make and the color of their money shall forever eclipse the color of their skin; the language they speak; the religion they practice; the restroom they use; the sea or border they crossed; the place they were born or the documents they possess (or don’t) and we will not knowingly add to their fears nor suffer those who would do so, whether out of their own meanness or upon orders from the Craziest Bastard to Ever Occupy the White House.

In support whereof and with supreme confidence in the protection of Divine Providence, Dumb Luck and Good Lawyers, we pledge our Lives, our Fortune and our sacred Honor, such as they are.

Dated this ______day of ___________, 2017 AD/CE



5 thoughts on “A proclamation to keep Sonoma Sonoma

  1. It is now time for everybody to obey the law, including all illegal aliens who should never be rewarded for breaking for breaking the law. Sonoma should never become a sanctuary city that harbors illegals. It is ICE’s job to remove all of them as soon as possible. The illegals deserve a brown bag lunch and a trip to the border back to Mexico. All criminals must first be deported. Sanctuary cities will receive no Federal money, as President Trump has said.

  2. I wholeheartedly agree with the Proclamation to keep Sonoma Sonoma, written by Bob Edwards, and suggest we incorporate it into our city by-laws.

  3. What was good for the country 200 years ago (such as unlimited immigration) isn’t necessarily good now. We have to adapt to the times and circumstances.

  4. it doesn’t make you, as a writer, sound intelligent when you
    use words like “crazy bastard” in your story.

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