Snark Infested Waters ~ Bob Edwards

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No catastrophes are scheduled this week

Posted on September 15, 2020 by Bob Edwards

Good News: No catastrophes are scheduled for this week! Wildfires are being controlled, earthquake monitors are flatlined, the Plague Is What It Is, and volcanoes are silent. Schools are closed, large gatherings banned, the NRA looted by its executives — even mass-shootings have been postponed. 

But run-of-the-mill catastrophes could still happen, so it’s important to review the contents of those Go-Bags we’re supposed to have ready when we Evacuate to the shelter of someplace safe from catastrophes and roving gangs of police. 

When packing, don’t forget items to protect your Mental Health. Wine and a corkscrew are important, naturally, but don’t forget your PPB — Personal Paper Bag.  You’ll need it to scream into upon discovering that those responsible for protecting us from the Catastrophe du Jour are (1) underfunded (2) understaffed (3) in COVID quarantine (4) golfing at Mar-a-Lago (5) “not going to enforce any f*&%ing health orders” and/or (7) caused the catastrophe in the first place.  

CAUTION: DO NOT remove facemask when screaming into your PPB.

The Constitution written by our Christian white male slaveholding Founders was supposed to ‘form a more perfect union,’ one you’d think would be at least as adept at dealing with catastrophes at home as has been in creating them abroad. But no. 

Perfection is still far off. Their cursive skills notwithstanding, those wig-heads weren’t precise about the sort of Perfection they had in mind.  The Constitution they wrote focused mainly on structure and mechanics of the new union. With the ink barely dry, however, they realized they forgot to protect themselves from… well… people like themselves.   

So they quickly added ten Amendments – the Bill of Rights — making America exceptional among the nations of the day in guaranteeing God-given rights & freedoms to everyone.  

Not to slaves or women, of course; God wasn’t Woke yet. 

Thus racism and misogyny were engineered into America’s DNA, with trace amounts of stupidity (See: “Electoral College”) missing from the genetic sequences of other developed nations.  Indeed, the British today regard their surrender at Yorktown not as a defeat but as Good Riddance. 

Nonetheless, with bombs bursting in air, each July 4th we celebrate our War of Independence and all the wars, foreign and domestic, defining our 241-year history. As noted previously in this space, War is what we do best. 

So far, however, no holiday marks the birth of universal healthcare, livable minimum wages, effective and compassionate criminal justice, equitable taxation, food & housing security, free & fair elections, a sustainable environment, free college education, or etc. That’s because such things are GODLESS SOCIALISM!  

But Godfearing Free-market Capitalists believe the country should be Run Like a Business, and our slave-trading Founders were nothing if not businessmen. Indeed, they began their new Constitution with the nation’s first Mission Statement, setting forth the Corporate Objectives:

“We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.” 

Two-hundred forty-one years later, Readers can track the share value of America, Inc. on the nightly news and a variety of electronic devices.  But CAUTION: Wear a face mask, maintain strict Social Distance, and keep that Paper Bag handy.

 



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