The end of the tunnel

It appears that the Light at the End of the Tunnel is finally in sight. According to the CDC, as well as state, county, local, Twitter, and Tik-Tok sources, all authorities rolling out the Covid vaccine now seem to be working from the same All-In-This-Together page, one that unfortunately once lined the cage of a prehistoric, burrito-eating pterodactyl.

Since coronavirus first appeared, the cloud of fear and uncertainty that once shrouded our future is giving way to a much clearer view, one of a landscape littered to the horizon with chaos, confusion, uncertainty, and death – lots of death. It’s a testament to the hard work of The Prior Administration whose COVID-fighting motto was: “If We Can’t Screw It Up, Nobody Can!”

With only four percent of the world’s population, we’ve had more cases and deaths than any country in the world. But How Bad Is It, really?  

So bad that a number of hospitalizations and deaths finally settling back to the terrifying, hair-on-fire levels of last summer is considered Good News. Thanks to the anti-masker crowd, there are now enough leftover facemasks for every corpse still chilling in refrigerated trucks around the country.

Thankfully, Big Pharma has been hard at work.  After a year it has produced three FDA-approved vaccines, and Russia is reportedly testing a promising strain on Alexei Navalny. We’ll apparently need them all, as there seem to be new Covid variants spreading around the world that are more contagious and perhaps more deadly than the original. The good news for researchers seeking answers is that, so far, all variants seem to have the same common feature: they can kill you.

The other good news is that a MacArthur Genius Award and potential Nobel Prize for Articulation awaits anyone who, in a calm voice and without bursting into tears, can clearly explain: 

(a) the vaccination priority phases and sub-phases in each vaccination category promulgated by each federal, state, county and local health authority; 

(b) If/and/or which phases and/or categories are currently effective for the street address, healthcare provider, insurance company, vaccination site, and dietary restrictions where you live; 

(c) whether those restrictions also apply to extended family and pets visiting your home or parked in a nearby RV; 

(d) the latest effective adjustments to phases and/or schedules which have been made at either the national, state, or your local level, and whether there are any exceptions or asterisks applicable to wherever you can possibly get to for vaccination while carrying a ventilator on your bicycle; 

(e) which, if any, schedule or phase adjustments apply to your particular age, occupation, personal wealth status, mental/physical condition, and classification as an essential/non-essential worker on the date/time/place of your scheduled vaccination; 

(f) where, when & how to schedule a vaccination appointment via (i) internet, (ii) in person, (iii) phone, or (iv) motorcycle; 

(g) how to reschedule a vaccine appointment to a time & place dispensing your preferred vaccine flavor;

(h) what, if any, pre- or post-vaccine precautions to take for each vaccine given your current health status & afflictions, known or suspected.

Yes, we’re almost at the end of the road, and Dorothy and Toto are waiting just ahead.