If you can’t say something nice…

Why do people make such odd comments after the death of friends? It kind of throws me: “Oh well, she wasn’t into health foods and fitness” or “He stressed too much…” Maybe it’s true but isn’t it odd – blaming and criticizing dead community?

Hey, I know masters in athletics and Zen who died. Can we stop judging?  Of me, please just say: “She enjoyed good jokes, her wine, good music, vitamins, exercises and soul.” Hell, how do we know if its good genes or good jeans?

I thought it was just me. Then I ran into a friend this week who began the same conversation: “Why are people criticizing folks who have passed on? It’s always something like he smoked or worked too hard, had that funny diet, sneezed too much, whatever.”

Then there’s my friend who lost a dear 51-year-old friend this year, and it added confusion to her grief. They were both spiritual people into clean water, clean lotions, clean peanuts, gluten-free everything, yoga, exercise, vitamins, no booze or drugs ever, meditation, good sleep, talking about feelings and working through conflicts. Lots of vegetables, fruits, nuts, eggs, coconut oil… and she died of cancer quickly and unexpectedly. Why?

Why so much judgment at a time of loss? Is it too hard to face our pain? Do we live in a blame culture? Is it impossible to face the fact that the air we breathe and the water we drink are not foolproof either?

When I go, just bury me or scatter my ashes with abandon, and share my strengths and wild dreams with the world. I already know my faults.

In Dr. Jerry Jamolsky’s miracles course, he tells us that there are only two emotions: love and fear. Love is our natural inheritance, while fear is what our minds manufacture. Fear distorts our perception and causes confusion. He says that: “Love fits this definition of eternal. Everything else is transitory, and therefore meaningless. Love is the total absence of fear.”

He adds, “We can let go of fear when we stop judging and stop projecting the past into the future, and live only in the now.” Maybe we just have a hard time accepting and experiencing grief?

Joanna Macy says: “Paradoxically, by allowing ourselves to feel our pain for the world, we open ourselves up to the web of life, and we realize that we’re not alone.” It takes tremendous energy to repress something so strong, which stems from our instinct to preserve life.

Repressing our feelings of pain for the world isolates us, but it can also drain us. When we allow ourselves to experience these feelings, we cease to fear them. We learn to turn them into strong solidarity with all beings. Death happens to us all and yet we act as if it doesn’t. What’s up with that?

But there is also something to be said for moving on. The other day I slowed my car down when I saw a friend across the street, to say hello. Then, decided not to stop after all, thought there would be another time. I was too busy. There was not another time. Next I saw his obituary in the paper.

I try to add some wit to my columns, but aging isn’t funny. Though it is comical how we deal with it.  It’s like being on a conveyer belt.  I mean, you only have so much time left. So, why not enjoy it? And, don’t wait to love people.

A note from the author: Writing this column is fun for me and I want to thank all the lovely people who read it. I don’t write much about my business in therapy because that is what I do in my office. For me, writing is art. Enjoy!