A Tale of BS: It’s Biblical

OMG, TV anchor Brian Williams bullshitted, or is it bullshat. Either way he slung it, or is it slinged it – oh grammar, why hast thou forsaken me?

Okay, this calls for a science-based experiment. I want everyone who has ever BS-ed about something – padded a resume, tried to impress a date, pretended to have done something, or anything you can think of that fits that bill – to raise your hand. There, that proves it. I see only one person way in the back without her hand raised, and I’ll bet she’s BS-ing us right now.

I readily admit I have done it. For years I told a whopper about having been at Woodstock. It was innocent enough, but it was pure BS. I said it initially to impress a girl, later to become my wife, and then I was stuck with the lie – that’s what BS is, remember? – forever after. Well, actually, until I confessed it in a moment of guilt and uncontrollable honesty. And fessing up was a load off.

But the point is, and ask yourself if it isn’t true, that everyone, yes everyone, has at some time made up some lie about him/her self, usually for the reason of self-enhancement, occasionally to get out of something, but whatever the motivation, has committed bullshittery.

We hold this truth to be self-evident, said Jefferson, and he, along with all our gallant presidents, was known to have slung it. It’s as much human nature to bullshit as it is to laugh at some dumb joke that isn’t funny. It’s just who we are. What matters, maybe, is the extent of it and/or the nature of it.

For example, to bullshit that you’re a brain surgeon in a hospital entrance exam could lead to a dicey situation. Or to claim you’re a black-belt martial arts guy to a bunch of thugs might get ugly. But just to sling it a little bit, say about your IQ, at some party where you’ll probably never see any of those people ever again, or to weasel some excuse to a teacher, or a cop, or anyone of authority for that matter is as natural as flirting or a hundred other activities we all do.

So, easy on old Brian. Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard all that stuff about “a trusted newsman,” “the integrity of the company he represented,” or “the damage done to the profession,” or any of the rest of those vapid proclamations, and all I can say is, “bullshit.” He’s a good-looking guy who can read the news, and the not-so-newsy, without fumphering too much, and he tried to make himself look a little better.

Again I say to any of you within the sight of these words, let he/she who has not committed this feeble sin cast the first stone, and I’m willing to bet you won’t see any flying objects. Or if you do, what you’ll see being slung ain’t no rock.

Anyway when it comes to world-class bullshitting you’d need to search far and wide to match Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld/Condi and their crew from Mordor who took lying for power and prestige to dizzying heights, unleashing a concoction of death and destruction and perversion worthy of the Tyrants Hall of Fame.

And lastly to prove my point and to those skeptical about science, I present the biblical, the religious argument proving the ubiquitous existence and use of bullshit down through the ages.

First story in the Bible, the beginning of life on Earth for the host of true believers, what happens? God asks Cain about the whereabouts of his brother. What does Cain do? He says, “What? What are you asking me for? Am I supposed to be with the guy all the time?” Something to that affect.

But the point is he bullshitted. Cain bullshitted. He knew very sell where Able was because he’d bumped off the poor bastard. And now for the kicker. Who did he bullshit too? God! He BS-ed God, for Gods sake! But there’s still one more thing. When God asked Cain where his bro was, He knew exactly, before even asking, the answer to that question. So was God not bullshitting Cain? Just a little?

I rest my case.