If Congress had an award show
Totally fabricated rumors (the most salacious kind) are circulating that Congress has taken note of the popularity of Hollywood’s annual award shows and, in an attempt to boost its own dismal poll ratings, is planning to launch its own show to kick off the 2016 legislative year.
Word on the street is that the show (still without a working title) will award the “Bravo!” — a golden, clenched-fist, raised finger statuette of American Exceptionalism — to those who have done the most to spread American Values around the world and Protect The Homeland from Death By Foreigners.
Inside sources have revealed the nominees:
Our Military. Tens of thousands of heavily-armed, fully-booted, drone-assisted, satellite-guided, debt-financed volunteer warriors backed by a trillion-dollar military-industrial-spy complex, who have been repeatedly sent abroad to wage endlessly futile wars as depicted on film, TV and Netflix, killing countless thousands of guilty and innocent foreigners alike, requiring billions to rehabilitate those who returned home maimed and suicidal, leaving in their wake thousands of foreign widows and orphans swearing everlasting jihad against America.
Our Politicians. Our President and the coterie of U.S. Congressional leaders and cabinet officers who, at great personal sacrifice flew thousands of miles in taxpayer-supplied, luxury aircraft to the remote desert kingdom of Saudi Arabia to kowtow and pay homage to a deceased feudal monarch whose contributions to civilization included oil, Osama bin Laden, oppressing women and homosexuals, flogging adulteresses and bloggers, beheading blasphemers and cutpurses, and menacing Jews in Israel.
The Gliterati. Thousands of under-worked, over-compensated executives, economists, academics, select intellectuals, journalists and celebrities who annually make the grueling journey to the Swiss vacation hell-hole of Davos in the dead of winter, paying $19,000 apiece to attend the World Economic Conference where, in five days of intense hands-on spa treatments they shoulder the crushing burden of keeping the world safe for their Money.
The Corporati. Tax-phobic American corporations producing everything from Skittles to clothes, turbo-generators, cars and kitchen faucets who, without spilling a dime of executive bonus, tirelessly send good American jobs around the world, selflessly shuttering their own US offices and factories, wrenching valuable work from the grasping hands of ungrateful middle-class Takers who stubbornly cling to “their” jobs, dragging down profits of these patriotic entities in their selfish greed to feed their own families without any regard whatsoever for the wretched, tired, poor, huddled masses on other teeming shores, yearning to work a lot cheaper.
Les Medicins. A handful of volunteer American nurses and doctors who, without the backing of venture capitalists, swarms of fawning media or any promise of bonus pay or product endorsements, worked 24/7 for months on end sealed head-to-toe in suffocating hazmat suits, awash in chaotic seas of sweat, blood, feces, vomit, urine, stench, flies, heat and death – without any marching bands, yellow ribbons, car-magnets or “thank you’s for your service” – to save the entire planet by fighting Ebola to a virtual standstill among an impoverished populace of faceless black people living brutally wretched lives in the violent sewer of West Africa, and who returned home to America to fear, suspicion, anger, loathing, quarantine and anonymity. May we have the envelope please?
Thank you. And the winner is . . .
