First date, full disclosure

“I enjoy candlelit dinners, a walk on a moonlit beach, and spending time in the woods enjoying the beautiful nature around us.” Oh please. Who writes this smarm? I’ve perused dating sites and snicker at the profiles. Is there no one looking for love that may have honed some self-reflection?

If I were to post a profile, I’d cut to the chase and save a restaurant tab. So here goes…

If you’re an underachiever, unemployed, or looking for someone to take care of you—I’ve already dated many of you. It won’t work out. Trust me.

If you’re a right-wing Christian, a Tea Party nut, or don’t give a rat’s ass about our planet — save yourself from me. If you have zero self-confidence, haven’t worked out your stuff with your mother and live your life to spite your parents — call a therapist.

If you are a drug dealer, a pedophile, or a gang member — call your probation officer. If you’re serious pothead or a practicing sot, call my ex. You two can chat up one another.

If your art display is a collection of beer bottles and baseball caps, I won’t be awed. A herd of dead animals adorning your walls is also a sign that we won’t be a match made in heaven. If you’re older than my father, forget it. If you’re younger than my sons, forget it. I have shoes older than my sons and I don’t date men younger than my shoes. Mainly because I don’t want to explain how old you are to my sons.

If you want me to scuba dive, skydive, or join you in mountain climbing, or if you are into skateboarding, camping, or motorcycles, I may not be the woman for you. Please don’t invite me to go horseback riding or play Frisbee with your pit bull. Really. Don’t. If you’re thinking of dragging me to football, basketball, baseball, boxing, soccer, hockey, wrestling, drag racing, or any loud event where there is a large crowd of Romans, don’t bother. And if your life is spent sprawled on the couch in front of the tube glued to such events 24-7… really, don’t bother. I don’t even have a television for godsakes.

Okay, so what might we have in common? I dance; Sunday nights you’ll find me on the dance floor, strutting a quick country two-step or whirling the room in a waltz. I write; I penned a family memoir but then some of my relatives stopped talking to me. My reading tastes tilt toward memoir, fiction, non-fiction, personal exploration, Enneagram, things like that. (I’m a Self-Preservation One with a Nine wing—which can make me a pain in the ass and really annoying; sorry.) I’m addicted to tracing my family genealogy, not that I planned on dead people being my thing. I love my work, own my own business, make my own money, and find my own way. Eventually.

I like to travel — well, I like being there, not necessarily getting there. I get dreadfully seasick, am rattled in big cities, and find the wilderness and jungle overrated. I’m interested in the world around me, especially people and what makes us tick. I relish good food and dark chocolate, don’t smoke, seldom drink, do swear but try not to when I’m around my grandchildren, did yoga, did meditate, don’t go to church, do pray, and practice blessing those who irritate me. I grew up in the 50s and 60s, and am grateful for that. I go to bed when I want and get up when I want. I try to remember that it’s none of my business what others think of me — though I do think everyone is entitled to my opinion.

I can be on the obsessive-compulsive side, get crabby if I haven’t eaten, and have zero sense of direction. My memory left the building with Elvis, so a good part of my time is spent looking for my keys, glasses, and phone, the rest of the time I spend trying to remember what I was going to say. Along with those caveats, I’m healthy, tall, look like I’m in good shape, have aged well unless it’s too early Saturday morning, funny (well, my kids don’t think I’m funny, but what do they know), intelligent (though what I don’t know I do tend to make up), and generally polite (unless you have ticked me off or my Tourette’s kicks in.)

But here’s the real truth: I am contentedly single, which is why I’ve never enrolled in online dating. But if I did, this profile is what I’d send to the dating sites just for the heck of it. From what I’ve seen, everyone else on there is lying.