Scientists have long known about black holes, those deep-space phenomena whose gravitational attraction is so powerful that not even light escapes their relentless pull. Scientists in the local observatory down at Steiners have seen black holes so massive that even consciousness disappears.
Lately they’ve been ruminating about the implications of Newton’s Third Law of physics, which states: “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
Applying Newton with all the sharpness they can muster, they figure (‘posit,’ in science talk) that if black holes exist, the universe must also contain their opposite; namely, white holes, objects capable of repulsing anything and everyone in their vicinity.
Pouring over countless pitchers of data, they believe massive white holes exist right here in Sonoma. As evidence, they cite occasional City Council meetings when even common sense has been repulsed by a strong yet invisible force field surrounding the dais.
They are currently probing intensely repulsive ideas rolled out at Planning Commission meetings by developers who propose urban-sized projects for country-sized Sonoma, projects that have repulsed entire neighborhoods. Their research has shown that not even the light of reason can penetrate the swarm of high-intensity marketing ions emanating from white-hot developer PowerPoint presentations.
So repulsive are some projects that their effect can be transferred to neighboring bodies. Cited as example is the so-called independent traffic study for a new hotel on W. Napa St., whereby Cal-Trans, a separate heavenly body, was persuaded that a left-turn lane would not be needed to prevent high-density traffic back-ups on W. Napa caused by tourists turning into the hotel driveway across oncoming traffic. Not even laser-like shrieks of laughter from residents who have spent half-lives in traffic at that location could pierce that repulsive conclusion.
A similar repulsivity surrounds the FSE hotel/bar/swim club/luxury home complex (& café) proposed for a quiet section of town north of the Plaza. To date, the entire neighborhood has been repulsed by the intense bluster and bombast radiating from its white-hot core of wealthy investors.
To be sure, this seems to be a feature common to white holes. Namely, they can be so repulsive as to distort light itself, causing them to appear much grander than they really are. Thus, the ultimate dimensions of massive white holes can only be determined with specialized instruments.
Indispensible for such measurements is not the Hubble telescope or the Large Hadron Collider but rather the recently-developed High Intensity Bullsh*t Sensor (HIBS). A truck-mounted prototype recently underwent trials in the nation’s capital, currently home to the biggest white hole ever recorded, where repeated scans detected a massive sphere of bullsh*t with no solid core whatever.
Local researchers are working to reduce HIBS to a cellphone application for easy use by planning commissioners and the public. Reportedly, the final version will utilize a phone’s camera feature to video developers as they pitch their project proposals, redolent with golden showers of endless tax revenues, full employment and chickens in every pot. Within seconds, HIBS software will calculate the project’s total BTU’s (Bullsh*t Tonnage Units), and highlight specific areas for alteration or elimination.
Local scientists say the device could eventually allow the Development Code to specify maximum project BTU’s permissible within City limits, thereby minimizing public outrage and greatly expediting development projects.
Best of all, developers could use it during every project’s design phase, helping them avoid looking like just another repulsive white hole.