“What if I had stayed in that job, that house or that relationship? Could I have taken more risks? “Did I quit too soon? Should I have quit? Could I have spoken up more? Why didn’t I plan for retirement?”
Beyond midlife, some people question their lives; others not at all. Many remain married for 30 years, retired with pensions and homes paid off; others are leaving marriages, getting married, relocating, or writing that book. Many are grateful (and maybe a little guilty) about the luck of the draw. They enjoy health, family, home, travel or an adventurous career.
And sometimes, beyond midlife, grief surfaces. I was talking to a friend the other day who thought she had left too soon a man she had loved. She lives with longing everyday for what cannot be recovered. Sometimes remorse remains or denial shocks us. Some people were unlucky, getting sick unfairly or suffering unexpected losses.
Then, there’s working through denial. I was walking through a store the other day and accidentally glanced in a mirror, “Who is that?” I uttered inwardly, “I could have sworn I was more svelte!” Then, while overhearing a passing remark “it’s harder to lose weight at my age” my shoulder slumped and I began to walk clumsily, as if flippers were on both of my feet. Seeing an old friend’s child recently, who is now in college, woke me up too. She’s now so tall. She was so tiny just the other day. Regret and loss live together.
There is much I learn from looking back. I complimented someone recently for planning retirement as she sat with friends of 25-plus years. I told her about my rock festival and theatre days, beating myself up for being too impractical. She turned her head like an owl, and whispered: “I was just wishing I had played more.” I realized suddenly, my life has been fun. I threw my arms in the air “Yes, I’ve had a ball in my life! “
Reflection is important. And, you know, if it wasn’t for the dark fears that visit me in the night, I’d have no regrets. I remember good times and lost opportunities. Each time, I learn. I can’t forget the best Christmas or the trip to Italy, the greatest girlfriend ever (now gone from cancer), the wild infatuations! Also, the abusive boyfriend. So, what to do?
Our past brings insight. There were decisions that haunt me, but teach me too. If only I had spent more time with my brother or visited relatives in Wisconsin a lot. Could I have tried harder? Should I have kept my therapy practice in San Francisco? What does regret tell me?
Relationships matter more than I thought. I could have kept more commitments, not all, but some.
I don’t want to ruminate on the past, but it guides me. Mid-life review seems inevitable and sometimes reflects our lack of concern. All of life is threatened now, will we regret our complacency?
Speaking up for the greater good doesn’t bring remorse. It takes courage to be involved.
I remember my mom feeding the pigeons in Nordstroms parking lot, in the Seattle rain. I watched her in a loud argument with a man there. She grabbed her bag of seeds and stomped back to our car, exclaiming that no one would ever stop her from feeding the birds, laughing, “he was for the birds!” For some actions, she died with regret, but not for her urgent need to protect and fight for fairness.
Does regret exist to tell us to care more?
Erich Fromm defines love as “active concern.” Can we do more for a world in trouble? Leave safety for the next generation? Can we stop the world from crumbling?
There is time left. We have possibilities. But we shouldn’t doubt too long. As Frost said, “two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both… I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”
Katy Byrne is a psychotherapist, specializing in communication skills, life transitions and relationship issues. She is the author: “The Courage to Speak Up, Hairball Diaries.”
Be First to Comment