Black Friday
If the U.S. Chamber of Commerce had its way, Congress would order every citizen to shop the day after Thanksgiving. It has not done so, however, because (a) Congress is never in session long enough to order lunch, and (b) Americans, so desperately short of Stuff that they can’t find time to vote, always find time to shop.
Fortunately, City Council had the courage to lead, proclaiming Nov. 28 thru December 1 as this year’s High Holy Days – “Shop Sonoma,” for short – after which residents will have only 23 days before Xmas to shop the big-box stores in Napa.
Under threat of spay/neuter, our local Chamber insists we “Shop Local.” And who can blame them? It’s their livelihood, and free market capitalism has made Sonoma Valley what it is today: A tasting-room paradise.
Seriously, Shopping Local puts money into pockets of local merchants, who give much of it to charity and to their employees and suppliers. Many of those employees and suppliers “shop local” at other businesses that also have local employees and suppliers, and on and on . . . . Thus, each dollar spent locally passes through many local hands, fueling our economy and spreading the flu.
But when a local cash register goes “ka-ching!” two things are certain: (1) sales tax is pouring in to purchase vital public services and political influence, and (2) the business still uses mechanical cash registers that go “ka-ching!”
Of course, electronics have revolutionized cash registers and what marketing people tenderly refer to as “The Shopping Experience” (not to be confused with real experiences, like a hug). Registers track what’s bought, by whom, when, how often, at what price and with what credit card. They notify Homeland Security, re-stock inventory and print coupons good for other Stuff, provided they are used between 2:00 AM and 2:05 AM on the 32nd of any month without a full moon.
The disease-intolerant needn’t touch cash, and many store personnel are too young to recognize it. Payment is by card-swipes or cellphones that send magic rays to the computer thingy, instantly transferring the customer’s name, address, contacts list and medical data, all while moving . . . we can’t really call it cash anymore, can we, so it’s . . . what? . . . Worthiness Points . . . from the customer’s account to the merchant’s. In America, the more worthy a person is the more worthiness points they have accumulated in their account, which is continually monitored by Zuckerberg in celestial accounting using Facebook “likes”.
Security-savvy shoppers write checks, especially in supermarkets. After closely examining every item in a duffle-sized purse or backpack to see if it is their checkbook, they borrow your pen to write a check. Which they do v-e-r-r-r-y legibly. They wouldn’t think of leaving the register before recording the date, number, payee, amount of the check and the clerk’s name in their checkbook, and examining the register receipt as though it were the Dead Sea Scrolls.
Importantly, Shopping Local makes one expert in what stores don’t stock. Before getting in one’s car, one can call ahead to ask if a store has what one wants, provided one has the time to guess one’s way through the phone menu, by which time one could mate and produce one more.
Increasingly, “Shop Local” means “from a Sonoma Valley GPS location.” Go online, access websites; compare merchandise, customer reviews, price; select Stuff, shipping time, holiday message, giftwrap (Y/N); review/edit ‘cart,’ enter name, shipping address, worthiness card number. Click “place order.”
Instantly receive order-confirming e-mail from merchant, and/or a troubling “Спасибо за Ваш заказ” from a kid in Vladivostok.
Set out cookies and milk. Put kids to bed. Pour wine. Turn on TV. Watch Walmart shoppers rioting in 27 major cities. Relax. Make love. Wait for the curbside jingle of Santa’s UPS truck.
Happy Holidays, 2014.
