I’m too narcissistic for aging, so I ignore it. If I happen to glance in a mirror at the wrong time I’m surprised. At least I’m not the only silver-haired person in Sonoma.
Tonight, a friend asked: “Didn’t your hair used to be red?” He stuttered about how it still looks nice. I really don’t miss dying my hair – or should I say die-ing?
Let’s be honest, aging sucks. All the conversations about hip replacements and back problems… it’s just one gigantic hairball, if you ask me or my cat. But, I appreciate other people sharing their stories of plastic knees or yoga or working out at the club – whatever it takes to beat the clock.
OK, so I’m in denial. Shopping this Tuesday I forgot to tell the cashier my age. Well, he’d already rung up my senior discount! I giggled, nervously, “I didn’t know it was so obvious!” (The two white haired people next to me smiled tactfully)
So what’s next? Sex, hopefully. As a friend said, “I’m not sure whether to date, or if I’m over it, or it’s over. But, I’d like to have sex again before I die.” Aging is confusing. We might have new faces, hips or breasts, but how to have a ball? Do I just enjoy life or write a will? I guess it’s both.
Recently I passed a place where I spent time with someone who is gone. I miss him. Aging has its challenges and I’m not always a happy camper. I’m grateful to be alive and well. But it can be a pain in the neck. And the knees. And the… don’t get me started.
I asked a girlfriend the other day, “There are more people tailing me when I’m driving. Is it because I’m getting older?” She grinned, “yup.” Defiantly, I said, “It’s not just me going slower. Everybody else is going faster.”
Then there’s the “How to retire?” conversation. What to do? We laugh about moving in with each other, or pray for death with dignity, going to Oregon and such. We’re here now. Some poor, some wealthy, some widowed, some dating, some married. But really, round we go, where we end up, nobody knows.
Erik Erikson, who took a special interest in this final stage of life, concluded that the primary psychosocial task of late adulthood is to maintain ego integrity (holding on to one’s sense of wholeness), while avoiding despair (fearing there is too little time to begin a new life course). Those who succeed at this final task also develop wisdom, which includes accepting regrets as well as inevitable death.
His disengagement theory says older adults slow down. But his activity theory sees a positive side to staying vital. And people choose different paths. He says that even mature adults may feel some despair at this stage as they contemplate their past. “No one makes it through life without wondering if another path might have been happier and more productive.”
As for me, it’s also a time of gratitude because I’m still laughing. I’m not sure what plan B is – low income housing on social security? Your kid’s house? A travel trailer? A nursing home? Dying during orgasm?
Oh well. Take some pills and take heart. We’re aging, yes, but there’s still time to make a positive difference in this old world.
Katy Byrne, MFT, is a Sonoma psychotherapist. Reach her at 707.548.8982
or katybyrne@aol.com.
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