I woke up yesterday feeling blue and droopy, even my hair seemed lifeless. I lay on the couch for awhile, stared out the window and spotted a couple of blue jays. They looked so bright blue and chirpy on the tree limbs, unlike me. Winter depression is a pain.
To be honest, this world gets to me sometimes. I feel like a lonely dog. I look like a neglected, curly haired pooch just sitting here staring outside. I’m home all day, so I guess you could say I need a walk. I keep myself busy, doing yoga and the downward dog pose keeps me centered. Still, everyone goes to work or plays bocce ball, runs off to their second home or the club. People seem so busy.
And as the holidays hit I always have more emotional hairballs. I don’t want to eat my words, but I have a bone to pick with the season. People are buying more dust collectors and returning them in January to second hand stores. What’s up with that?
Winter is hard. If I see one more news report about massacre and the suffering of innocent humans and animals, I’ll just plunk down on the couch and stay.
I read to break my boredom but when I see the news I’m bummed again. But, then I also realize I’m lucky to have a roof over my head. As Joanna Macy says: it’s “…natural that we feel the trauma of our world. So don’t be afraid of the anguish you feel, or the anger or fear, because these responses arise from the depth of your caring and the truth of your interconnectedness with all beings.”
So, I’m home curled up in a ball, when I’d rather be playing ball. But, I read that John Stewart (the comedian) and his wife have a new animal sanctuary and it cheered me. She wrote “Do Unto Animals.” Many good humans are trying to help the planet, and that’s good.
Still, I’m grumpier lately, my ears practically meet the ground and I’m on this new diet of tuna and tiny tid bits. I eat gluten free everything and bowls of dried food instead of a good old-fashioned steak and fries, but it’s getting old. Or, is it just me? Does anyone else ever feel like licking the plate?
Well, life has its ups and downs — it’s just the way the ball bounces. But, I do get lonely.
Sure, it’s embarrassing to tell you the truth, especially in a society that values cheer. But, as Brene Brown says, “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”
What helps me is getting out. I went on a fabulous trip to Tahoe, with frizzy hair flopping out the car windows, and grinned from ear to ear the whole way. And, when I’m busy visiting nursing homes, playing ball or getting my hair done or getting I’m happy. If I do self-care or give to others it helps. When I have gratitude and sing more I’m cheered – even howled at the moon this week!
We all have challenges. Many of my friends don’t have jobs or housing while others are rich, getting their toenails done. They sweet smell, and I envy them but I try to focus on thankfulness.
Still, by the time my companion gets home at night I’m clenching my teeth. I’m bitchy and growling. Maybe I’m too co-dependent, being so loyal. Honestly, my teddy bear just doesn’t do it for me. I need hugs, not just technology.
My friend gets home around 6 o’clock most nights. By then, I’m so ready to socialize. I practically jump up and down at the door. I crave support and company. But, lately, we walk for 15 minutes because he’s burnt out from his day job.
Not everyone understands depression, but what gets me through is self-care, giving back, thankfulness, naps and barking at the mailman. I know you’d understand if you could live inside my body.
Then again, nobody said it was easy being a dog,
Katy Byrne, MFT Psychotherapist in Sonoma, editor and animal lover 707 548 8982
Or katybyrne@aol.com.
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