How to have a relationship without really trying

Ha! This should be a blank page. Relationships always take some effort. The fine art of getting along with others is a “thing.” Plunged into the holidays after we’ve all gone through so many changes in the last few years can be a mixed bag. Wars, pandemics, economic and climate concerns, and health concerns can make us edgy. Jingle bells, balls everywhere, red, brass, and gold, relatives, politics, losses, gratitude, conflict, joy, and glee all can be happening simultaneously.

I found comfort and insight listening to John F. Kennedy’s famous peace speech several times this month. He said it well in his Commencement address at American University, Washington D.C, June 10, 1963: 

“With such a peace, there will still be quarrels and conflicting interests, as there are within families and nations. World peace, like community peace, does not require that each man love his neighbor – iit requires only that they live together in mutual tolerance, submitting their disputes to a just and peaceful settlement. However fixed our likes and dislikes may seem, the tide of time and events will often bring surprising changes in the relations between nations and neighbors. So let us persevere.”

 My suggestion as we maneuver these wild times is to be realistic with our expectations and bring patience, kindness, or warmth to others. Be like a fried egg – sunny side up. According to 30 years of research by relationship expert John Gottman, for every one negative feeling or interaction between partners (or people), there must be five positive feelings or interactions – the magic ratio is 5 to 1. Stable and happy couples and communities share more positive feelings than negative ones! 

Ask yourself, what’s your aim in your relationships or social situations? What’s your intention? Do you want to clear the air, risk honesty (usually best done tactfully and if I’ve failed lately, I apologize.) Or, do you want to relax, settle ticklish quibbling with a hug or a little daffy humor? 

We are tumbling into this dreaded daylight “savings” sink hole of darkness. It makes me more bent over, bundled in a sweater, puckered up like a wrinkled prune. So, it takes intention to remember gratitude. A beginning can be a good joke or story. Like, a guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender to give him a double. The bartender asks, why tonight? You usually don’t drink that way. Well, says the guy, my blood pressure has gone sky high. I’ve got relationship troubles. My wife won’t speak to me, my mother in law is mad. We don’t see eye to eye.  

The bartender pulls out a large bulletin board with notes on it: 1) Bring flowers 2) Tell them you love them 3) Say you want to make it better and ask how 4) Do the laundry.

It just takes a minute to lift someone’s mood. Tell a stranger you appreciate their patience while waiting in a long line at the post office. Send a tiny text: “Thinking of you.” Bring a little love to this worried world. 

Katy Byrne, MA, LMFT, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the Bay Area for over 35 years. Author, The Power of Being Heard. ConversationswithKaty.com. 707.548.8982