The intrinsic value of the hairball

I’m glad my sweet kitty, Einstein, didn’t live to see the day we have a politician putting him down. J. D Vance – a candidate for vice president – calling childless women cat ladies!  Seriously? Someone in government slurring pussies? Hmmm … what’s next? The bounds of prejudice and malice seem endless in this chaotic election campaign. 

My love of animals, especially cats, has reinforced my writing for years. It began while I vented my emotional hairballs to friends in essays, then the essays became columns and books. Now I have a new book that poured out of me during the pandemic. It’s called “From Conflict to Communication, Lessons From Life and My Therapy Office.” It’s an obsessive search for the roots of rage, the reasons for war and violence, my own memoirs about losses and challenges that taught me the power of working through conflict. It summarizes what I’ve learned from 40 years with precious clients – all the insights gathered from wondering, how does change really happen? How can we remove toxic issues, separation and fighting and make this old world a peaceful place?

I’ve found our recent politics utterly unnerving, seeing supposed leaders act like cartoon characters amidst the ongoing struggle for women to stand up for our human rights and respect. So, I’ve fallen back on what I learned from my cat.

Telling the truth is freeing. Sure, it has its rigors, moments when you’re frozen, not sure if you offended someone or not. One friend came across so rude the other night that I finally asked her if she was mad at me. She said she had no memory of saying what I heard her say. We proceeded to chat wildly and freely about what was on our minds after that. Just think, what if I had not been honest and asked her what she meant? What if I had carried that around with me for months? Being real, with robust transparency, is scary but rewarding.

Getting out what is stuck in our throats, when done skillfully, can be freeing – but also a risk. We could get fired, divorced, lose a friend or be put in jail with the whistleblowers.

But I think it can also bring relief and solutions. Mariana Alessandri, a philosopher at the University of Texas says, “It’s time to come out of the closet, I’m a complainer…it makes me happy.”

I’m not saying we can talk through problems with everybody; sometimes it’s too hard or stressful. But, unsaid feelings, fears and longings can become regret, isolation, judgments or fears that make you do the ostrich thing – hide, or the cat thing – put your claws out at inappropriate moments. 

We are understandably afraid of saying the wrong things and creating bigger problems. I get it. But, we need to stay connected and sometimes talking it out and listening well, with good intent, clears the air. So, don’t drop the ball – learn to have an emotional hairball in respectful ways. As David Brooks wrote, “When another person is talking, you want to be listening so actively that you’re burning calories.” (How to Know A Person).

Katy Byrne is a Sonoma psychotherapist who will be sharing her thoughts at Readers Books in Sonoma on (of all days) Wednesday, September11, with a reception at 5:30, and a book reading with questions and conversation at 6 p.m.