Winter inclines us toward withdrawal. Though we need each other more than ever, the desire to hide lures us. Life’s strange and wobbly, which fits with the dark time of year descending on us. Still, community also sustains us.
In his new book, “In the Absence of the Ordinary,” Francis Weller writes about this unsure season in our lives. “Fear and anxiety readily appear in times like these when the ground of the ordinary is unsettled,” he writes. “We are in a deep dive into the unknown, riddled with pockets of loss. Homes, health, security, community, and even our basic trust in the future are now in question.”
I dislike the friggin’ daylight change. Who wants to walk the dog in the black of night with a flashlight? Many of us are grunting, grumbling, grateful and wondering how we maneuver in such weird and scary times? Weller adds, “The alchemists described this time as a season of decay, of shedding and endings, of falling apart and undoing.” Decay is certainly a good word for it, especially given the high price of dentists.
So, how do we traverse this difficult decade? Do we retreat as winter holds its arms out waiting to shut us down? Or have we already had enough shut downs? Of course we have to go inward and outward. Alone time can be replenishing, insightful, isolating or entertaining. I sometimes laugh in the shower or kitchen, saying something sarcastic or silly in response to the latest news. But this morning I got scared. How to manage such terrifying times, shivering at financial shifts and watching masked men descending on streets, stealing children and families, tethering them so roughly, often without proper clothing and in the cold?
It may be time to reflect, recharge and re-think, but also to value our relationships. Leave the cell phones and computers for a while and actually connect with those we’ve lost in the shuffle of our too busy lives. Winter can be a time to snooze and self soothe, unwind with reading or hearing good jokes on late night TV (even though comedians too are under attack and told to shush). But, can we also reach out a bit, even ten minutes a day – to an old or new friend?
Leave your constant clinging to phones; sometimes hit mute. While out with friends, how often do you hear the little ring-a-ling in your back pocket and lose track of your conversation? “Excuse me a minute, I have to take this.” Hey, I get it. I’m just like you – glued to the little box. In Petaluma they have a luscious conversational format at the Aqus Café and their library. John Crowley, another great Irish guy, has inspired the Watershed group and neighborhood gatherings. It’s full of conversations, without speakers or panel discussions but instead with deep, authentic community conversations, not just froth on the beer.
Retreating and reaching out are both essential for wellbeing. We also need to pause in quieter spaces. As Derek Thompson underlines in “The Anti-Social Century,” for The Atlantic (2/2025), “People cope with stress and grief and mundane disappointment in complex ways, and sometimes isolation is the best way to restore inner equilibrium.” But, he adds, “the dosage matters.”
Thompson adds, “All of this time alone, at home, on the phone, is not just affecting us as individuals. It’s making society weaker, meaner, and more delusional. These are your neighbors, the people in your town. We used to know them well, now we don’t.”
Connection matters, especially in periods of crisis but also in order to thrive as a species. We’re facing aging, climate, health, financial challenges and more. Not to mention – a guy in The White House who likes wrecking balls, with a middle finger near nuclear bombs. We really can’t afford to shut down, like the government does. Of course we need to retreat at times, to restore ourselves and hibernate like bears. But be aware, even in their winter caves, hunters go after them too.
Katy Byrne, LMFT, is a psychotherapist in Sonoma, at ConversationswithKaty.com.
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