What to do?
In my 50 years as a psychotherapist, this is the first time I remember seeing so many pervasive, glaring divides in relationships. Yup, politics has exacerbated our disagreements.
The holes in families, friendships, work relationships and society remind me of Swiss cheese. These unmistakable gaps are created by our differences or unresolved resentments. Disagreements are heightened with economic, holiday and governmental challenges. From housing to health, when we feel unsafe, we all regress under stress.
No matter how we try to wiggle around it all, we’re not built for this constant threat of loss and alienation. We are born wanting comfort and closeness. From our very first breath, we rely on parents caring for our survival. It is our nature to thrive in community.
It’s a sensitive time for me, too. I grew up around verbal combat at every “festive” season. In adulthood, I confronted my parents about their abusive anger, but not tactfully. I still regret not approaching it with more skill. The hurt I caused them haunts me. Our wounds sometimes become our work. So, I have spent my life studying relational psychology and helping others in conflict.
What can we do in a time of more tensions or estrangement from family and friends? We can avoid arguments and distance ourselves, but they still reside in our hearts. Some of us come from families that cut off ties – it’s the way they always dealt with conflict. Still, the voids between us are felt like a swift cold wind pouring through our car windows in winter. The loss or weakening of an attachment feels incongruent with our deeper selves, but as the Serenity Prayer says, “…grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Still, the fact is, we all long to belong. So, what to do? There is always the option of circling around political arguments that emphasize facts, statistics and morality, but those can constipate conversations. Debate is not dialogue.
Or, you can also approach gutsy conversation. Mutually choose a time to talk and have an agreed time limit – out if it hits a boiling point. These conversations may end in stiff shoulders and bad backs, but they can also be reparative. Some people can pull off a rip-roaring discussion. I call them New Yorkers.
Remember, we have choices. Adjust the amount of time spent with those who rub against you, self soothe, do yoga or whatever works. See the season as a time to work on becoming less judgmental – always a human foible. Expand your sense of humor or state your hopeful intention – “I love you all, it’s good to see you” – and focus on what you do enjoy together. It could be board games, cooking, walks. A great book for the holidays is “Let Them,” by Mel Robbins. His advice: “If they don’t invite you … let them. And YOU can choose what you do next.” It’s up to us to set a tone of congeniality and quiet our own inner curmudgeon.
Okay, here are a few tools to bridge divides. As one of my colleagues says, “Maybe not get past the bridge, but at least stay on it!” You can arrange a time to have a delicate dialogue when you’ve taken a breath and can approach a courageous conversation with curiosity. Opposing views and needs can be reconciled with time set aside to talk, listen deeply and slowly, so both feel heard. Establish a desired aim like, “I wish we understood each other, I want to renew our closeness.” And stay close to “I” statements rather than “you.”
One way to “give peace a chance,” is to shift your own behavior. Remember, the other person is anxious or upset too, and this is their only learned way of behaving. I’m not suggesting letting people be disrespectful, but sometimes a time out, or a rest, or an arranged time to hear each other better, helps “deck the halls.”
Let’s face it, the entire globe could learn to co-exist and communicate better, or we’ll destroy ourselves. Which, we seem to be pretty good at as a species.
Be First to Comment