I ran into a woman who said she wanted me to write about relationship conflict, and since it’s Valentine’s season, here goes.
I try to make it simple for folks because when we’re in an angry, uptight catfight, it’s not easy. You’re probably not going to think, “Let me review my manual on how to do fair fighting.” You won’t remember a complicated explanation about how to “do it” when you’re in a skirmish. When your partner or kids are blurting out blame, you’re flooded with fight or flight instincts.
The simplest answer I can offer, after 50 years of studying conflict, is this: “Intention and listening well.” I often say, “It’s in your face to save face. Two eyes, two ears and a mouth.” The first eye is an “I” statement. It stands for intention. What is your aim when this messy hairball is coming at you? Is it to clear the air, get closer? What is it you want for the outcome?
The ears are for listening. Take a big breath from the middle of the earth. Then listen with curiosity. Try saying, “What I hear you saying is … did I get that right?” It sounds corny, but it lowers the temperature a lot in difficult dialogues. When I ask families and couples what shifts the tension the most after sessions, they often say, “Slowing the debate down and hearing each other.” Sounds so simple. But, it’s terribly hard to do. It makes us feel vulnerable because we aren’t used to owning our own part in things, reflecting instead of blaming. That’s why we don’t do it. When we reveal our needs, fears and wishes, many wounds from the past can unfold. And our defensive rebuttals are inbred. The lizard brain wants to pounce.
Use your mouth as if you’re blowing candles off a birthday cake to say what you wish for. “I wish we felt safer around each other. I wish we had more quiet time at night so I could sleep.” Avoid making “YOU!” statements.
If you can do that much, you’ve arrived at the sweet spot. Believe it or not, those little reminders are diamonds in the rough. You might have to repeat the intention or wish more than once. You can say to your neighbor, “I hope we can try to be respectful,” or “I wish we could be cooperative.” But making a request isn’t effortless. Asking and anger are buddies, resentment lingers when our needs aren’t heard. The fear of feeling undeserving can stop us from asking. This work takes courage.
Inside most mean-spirited bullies and power-hungry people are little kids who long for validation. Having never learned how arguments could be worked through, having never shed a tear without feeling shamed, having never felt acknowledged enough, they lash out.
I would be remiss not to add that so much of our world is full of hatred that is also heating up America. We’re in excruciatingly trying times. Still, the need to be heard and to bridge divides is crying out to us. It’s urgent in our homes and communities and around the globe. Conflict resolution is needed at all levels, and people like Harvard psychology professor Peter Coleman (“The Way Out”), and his colleague Pearce Godwin (The Listening Project) are pointing the way. See TED Talks and YouTube videos on both men.
So let’s give peace a chance this Valentines season.
Katy Byrne, LMFT, is author of “From Conflict to Communication (Lessons I’ve Learned from Life and My Therapy Office”
Be First to Comment