Over half of all marriages in this country end in divorce. When people marry before age 25, the divorce rate is 75 percent. We debate whether to allow gay couples to marry, magazines are filled with articles about how to have the perfect wedding, and you can find lots of books about how to find and attract a mate. What is sorely lacking is solid advice on how to have a great marriage that lasts until death do you part. This column is dedicated to the principle that marriage can work. At times it can be a difficult, complex, time-consuming, and challenging adventure, but when it works it can produce experiences of love, self-awareness, spiritual and personal growth, joy, intimacy and satisfaction unattainable through any other endeavor. I know this partially through my 30 years as a therapist, but mostly through 15 ever more wonderful years of marriage to my wife, Mary.
Together, we have reached peaks of love and connectedness that we both only imagined. We have developed and honed techniques which keep our relationship alive and growing, and which other couples have found equally valuable.
I use the following definition of marriage: A lifetime monogamous partnership between two absolute equals. The aspects of lifetime commitment and monogamy traditionally serve as economic protection devices for the couple and their offspring. Within this new definition, they serve as a spiritual and psychological safety net, which allows for levels of trust and intimacy possible only when the threat of abandonment is sufficiently removed. The experience of being absolutely equal to another human being is both the method, and the goal, of marriage. When we can truly see ourselves as equal to another, not better or worse, not right or wrong, then we experience our connection to all people. We are able to release our self-judgments and criticisms. We experience the ego loss that is the goal of all spiritual paths, and this opens our hearts to the experience of unconditional love. I realize this seems like a very lofty goal. That’s why it takes a lifetime of two people working together.
The old survival purpose for marriage is outdated, so a change to a viable purpose is needed if marriages are to thrive. Spiritual and personal growth are purposes for which the lifetime format of marriage is perfectly suited.
The marriage path is not for everyone. There is an abundance of other spiritual paths. I have walked many of them myself, with wonderful results. I spent more than 20 years on my spiritual journey before I met Mary. Marriage as a spiritual journey is a unique path, which brings unique experiences. If a person does not desire those experiences, or is not willing to put in the work required, starting up this mountain is a bad idea. Abandoning the marriage path, once you have started on it, is very painful for both partners. Divorce is often the most traumatic experience of a person’s life. If there are to be grounds for divorce, agree to them before you start. Mary’s and mine are cheating or physical abuse. Yours may be different, but lay them out beforehand.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He is the founder of The Marriage Path workshops. He works with individual couples and teaches marriage classes in Sonoma. You can contact him, ask questions, and find out more about his work, at www.themarriagepath.com.
