Last week I discussed that it is when both partners in a relationship are feeling needy that most problems occur. Most of the time, whichever partner is feeling stronger takes care of the one feeling weak. However, this builds the expectation that when the positions are reversed, support will flow in the other direction. If both are feeling weak, there is no one to care-take. This unfulfilled expectation can lead to anger, resentment and a negative behavioral spiral by both partners.
Learning to recognize how you behave when you feel needy is important to short circuiting this pattern. Partners often have need expression patterns that help fan the conflict. For example: I get very insecure when needy, while Mary gets irritable. If we get there at the same time, my insecurity annoys her, and I react to her irritability by becoming more insecure. Notice how you act when feeling tired, weak, sick, battered by life, or in any way needy. Most people revert to whatever they did as children to get attention. Acknowledge to your partner what your pattern is so that you both can watch out for it.
When both partners are stuck in neediness, it is time to either separate and have each partner take care of their own needs, or to call in outside support. When the symptoms of mutual neediness appear, whoever notices it first can call attention to it. It is a good idea to have a pre-agreed upon phrase, designed to call attention to the situation. Something along the lines of, “I feel needy. Do you?” This will avoid buttons being pushed. You can also call for a “neediness check”, which signals each partner to stop and check their own need level. If you are both feeling needy, stop competing, reassure each other that you love each other and each go tend to your own needs. Before you separate, set a specific time to check back in to determine how each is doing. Do not create open-ended separations.
Calling on friends, family or even professional support is useful in these situations. It is important that individuals do not isolate themselves once married, so that they become cut off from the people who have historically supported them. Continuing to build your support network after marriage is vital. While your spouse will be your primary relationship and support person, the role of a support system is not appreciably lessened by marriage. Your partner is not going to be able to fulfill your every need, and hoping they can will lead to disappointment and resentment. Make sure that your friends understand your commitment to your marriage and that they do not encourage you to be disloyal to your spouse. Nurture those friendships that support your commitment and will make the marriage journey easier. To paraphrase the old saying, “It takes a village to grow a healthy marriage.”
A word of warning: There are people who are stuck in neediness. While they may make gestures at giving to another, they do so only as a strategy to get more for themselves. Giving to these people is like making a five-dollar payment on a million-dollar debt. No matter what you give them, it’s never enough. You will notice that being around these people always leaves you drained. Someone stuck in need is not capable of partnership. If you are married to someone like this, and wish to remain so, you will need to learn to get your nurturing mostly from others. I strongly recommend counseling if you are in this kind of relationship.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978 and has a private practice in Glen Ellen, California. You can contact him, ask questions, and find out more about his work, at www.themarriagepath.com or at 707.939.9800.
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