Keeping your partner informed

There are many unreachable expectations associated with love and marriage. One of the most destructive of these is, “If you really loved me, you’d know what I want without me having to tell you.”
This is a very primitive, childish emotional state. Babies cannot say what they want, so they simply cry out. Parents come running and look for ways to soothe the infant. Unfortunately, for many people, this becomes the model for their experience of being loved. They cry out, sulk or in some other manner express unhappiness, and then expect the people around them to guess what they want. When they get married, they will expect their partner to meet their unexpressed needs. After all, if they have to spell out exactly what they want, then their partner must not care enough to know.
Your partner is not a mind reader, nor is he or she your parent. It is not your partner’s job to fix it every time you’re hurting, nor to keep trying to figure out what the problem is. It is each partner’s job within the marriage to express his or her own needs and feelings. Don’t make your partner guess, and don’t punish your partner for guessing wrong. Your partner wants to give you what you need, to the extent which they are capable, but he or she can’t meet all your needs. If you make your partner guess, your partner often will guess wrong.
One guideline is: tell your partner when you are in a bad mood that has nothing to do with them. Many arguments start because one partner is in a difficult place. For example; partner A has had a really bad day at work. They arrive home tired, frustrated, and full of unexpressed anger. As soon as Partner B appears, Partner A starts to express these negative feelings. Even though A’s upset has nothing to do with B, A does not make that clear. Partner B feels attacked and made wrong, and becomes defensive.
“Maybe I did something wrong without realizing it,” B might think.
“Maybe this has been building for days. Better to start defending myself immediately than to be found wrong.” Before either partner knows why, they are having a fight. Since they are not fighting about what is really upsetting them, it will tend to go in circles and not reach a conclusion that is satisfying for either.
The alternative scenario looks like this. You are having a really bad day. Your partner shows up. You say something like, “I’m having a really hard time. It has nothing to do with you. I am feeling…_______…” At that point, you can also ask for your partner to support you in the manner you really want. It might be time alone, time to talk about what’s going on with you, a specific favor from your spouse, or whatever you think might get you through your upset. Since your partner is not being attacked, they don’t need to defend themselves. Since your partner wants you to feel better, they will most likely to be willing to give you the support you want.
One reason we argue with, and dump out our feelings on, our partners, is that it feels safe. It is ironic that the person we love and trust most, we sometimes treat the worst. This is partially because we feel safe that they won’t leave us. If we acted that way in public, at work, or even with casual friends, the consequences would be severe. But with our partner, we feel safe enough to express our dark side. This is a mixed blessing. While it is vital that we can express our negative feelings in the safety of marriage, it can lead to abusive behavior, which destroys the very trust we are counting on. Making sure we don’t blame our partner for our negative feelings helps create a safe environment for us to express those feelings. If an upset is really about your partner, tell them, but just as importantly, tell them when it’s not.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978 and has a private practice in Glen Ellen.