When there is an upset between you and your partner, it is very easy to become overwhelmed. The issues you are discussing can be very sensitive. But does the upset between you often seem disproportionate to the subject under discussion? Even if it seems like a simple discussion of a trivial matter, there may be old, hidden issues attached to the subject. Fears of abandonment, memories of watching your parents fight, previous relationships which ended due to similar disagreements, these and many others may be coming to the surface. There may be other issues between you and your partner, that you’ve been avoiding, which this argument is bringing up. As all these thoughts and feelings come cascading down, we become less and less present, and increasingly controlled by old pictures and fears. It becomes very difficult to hear what your partner is really saying. Our fight-or-flight mechanism kicks in, and we go into survival mode. Partnership is abandoned as we fight for our own survival. You may feel panic, rage, an inability to listen, an inability to form thoughts clearly, or feel generally out of control. As soon as you feel this way, or suspect that your partner is feeling this way, it is very helpful to call a time out.
A time out is merely a defined period in which you stop talking to one another, and take time to bring yourself back into the present. During the time out, each partner should do whatever works to calm down and become more present. Breathe, meditate, listen to music, take a bath, call a reliable friend or your therapist, or take a walk. Try anything to bring yourself into the “now” before resuming the discussion.
Either party can call a time out. Once the time out is called, the discussion is immediately suspended; the length of the time out is then decided and agreed upon. The person requesting the time out must state how long he or she needs, and when the discussion will resume. Make the terms clear. Maybe you just want to sit silently, and simply look at each other without talking for a few minutes, in order to reconnect with your partner. Maybe you need time alone. If one partner feels the need to keep expressing, that person can write down the thoughts, or talk into a tape recorder. Both of these are good ways of clearing the mind, and getting clear about what you really want before the discussion resumes.
If you are calling a time out in which you need to be apart from your partner, set a time when you will get back together. Be it five minutes, or five hours, it is important that your partner knows when you will return. Simply calling a time out and leaving will almost always produce feelings of abandonment in your spouse. Keep the time out to the minimum period you need, so one partner does not feel cut off. After the agreed upon time has passed, if either partner is not ready to resume talking, simply make a new time out agreement.
Time outs are not a way of shutting down discussion, or going into denial of the issue. Rather, it is an acknowledgment that one of the partners is too upset to continue in a productive fashion. If we are too tired, scared, or upset it is virtually impossible to communicate in partnership with another. We need to work to restore our sense of safety within ourselves sufficiently to cooperate with our partner. Often, upsets that seem to be about our partner provide great opportunities to understand ourselves better, and to make important breakthroughs in our own behaviors. Do not try to solve outer relationship problems when your relationship to yourself is in great turmoil. Remember, it is an act of love to take care of your self within your marriage.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978 and has a private practice in Glen Ellen.
