Talking versus communicating

Much of the work of marriage is learning how to communicate with your partner. Communication involves learning to talk “with,” rather than “at” another. Too much of what passes for communication, is really just talking. Learning to talk so that the other person hears and understands what you are saying is an essential part of true communication. This involves getting clear what it is you want to communicate, considering what words to use so that the other person will understand what you’re saying, and checking with the other person to confirm that your message was received.
Often people think that as long as they tell the truth they have communicated. However, unless I use words that the listener understands, I have communicated nothing. I may be expressing a profound truth, but if I say it in Japanese it will mean nothing to my spouse. Even if I speak English, I cannot make the assumption that the words I use mean the same to someone else as they do to me. Often our deepest truths involve words that have different meanings to different people. Words such as love, honor, and respect may have many meanings, and those differences can cause great conflicts within a marriage. The seemingly basic act of telling your partner “I love you” can be meant and interpreted in an almost infinite number of ways.
When there is something important you wish to communicate start by preparing. Get clear within yourself what you want the person to know. You may want to write out the main points as a tool for you to be clear in your intentions, and to make sure you communicate fully. During the discussion, repeatedly check if the person heard what you intended to say. There’s a very simple technique to find this out. Ask. Have the listener repeat back to you, in his or her own words, what you said. If you weren’t heard correctly, don’t get mad. It’s your responsibility to find the words that communicate. Simply try saying it again. If it still doesn’t work try different words to express yourself or look to see if you are actually clear about what you want communicate.
When an attempt to communicate with your partner starts heading towards argument, it can be very helpful to change the tone of the discussion. Here are three effective techniques for short circuiting upsets. As with time outs, (discussed in my last column) use a pre-agreed upon signal to indicate an immediate shift into these techniques.
1. Talk in whispers. Whispering both prevents yelling, and forces more attentive listening.
2. Speak only in sounds. No words allowed. Grunt, moan, bark, make monkey sounds, anything that expresses your feelings directly.
3. Write it down. No talking, no sounds, just written communication. This forces you to slow down and consider what you really want to say. Couples often have patterns of communication that are familiar but don’t work. Try these techniques to break out of your patterns.