The Tombstone Game

One of the most common pieces of wisdom I hear from couples who have been happily married for a long time is that they have learned what things are worth fighting for and which are not worth the time and energy the conflict will consume. Every relationship has disagreements and conflicts. A good deal of my time as a therapist is spent teaching couples how to handle these differences as partners, not as opponents. Important marriage skills include learning to short-circuit circular arguments, distinguishing between what really matters and what’s just annoying and learning to fully communicate what you’re thinking and feeling about issues truly important to you.
It has been interesting for me to see the different communication styles that couples adopt. I knew a couple who screamed at each other on a regular basis. When they got going, you could hear it down the block. They had been married for over 20 years, and loved each other as deeply as any couple I’ve known. They were both lawyers, raised in big, loud families, and loved to argue. I was raised in a family where any loud voice meant big trouble. I almost never saw my parents argue until just before the divorce. I grew up afraid of yelling. I have learned to tolerate and understand it when others yell, and even to yell myself, but I’m still more likely to get quiet than yell when I’m upset. As in all couples communication, the key is learning how to speak and hear in your partner’s language.
It is vital for each couple to learn how to disagree in ways that do not result in the loss of trust and safety within the marriage. The use of “I” statements is extremely helpful in this regard. “I” statements are about taking responsibility for your own experience, rather than blaming another. Rather than saying “You’re upsetting me,” saying “I’m getting upset.” Rather than, “You don’t respect me,” it would be “I feel disrespected.” Rather than “This house is a mess” you would say “I see this house as messy” or “This house is not as clean as I like.” “I think you’re a slob” is not an I statement. One would have to say “I have a judgment about you, that you are messier than I prefer.” The key is to own both your perceptions and your feelings. It can take more work to be conscious of how you speak, but it can avoid many conflicts.
The tombstone game is an effective tool for looking at your upset and determining whether it’s worth fighting for. There are clearly issues worth arguing about. What these issues are will vary for each person. While fighting and dying for a cause you don’t believe in seems like a waste of a life, doing the same for what you do believe in is seen as heroic and noble. If you’re going to kill a relationship, you want it to be about an issue you truly believe in.
Next time you’re in an argument, imagine a relationship graveyard. In it are buried all your past relationships, both romantic and otherwise. Above each relationship is a tombstone. Written on each tombstone is the reason that relationship ended. Some reasons may still seem important. “She cheated on me.” “He was abusive.” Others may seem kind of silly now. “He forgot to return the book I leant him.” “She voted for a Republican.” Maybe there’s more than one issue, but try to find the final or underlying issue that caused the break up. When you are in a conflict with your spouse, stop and visit the graveyard. In your mind, erect a tombstone about the current disagreement. Is it worth defending your position until it ends the relationship? If so, then don’t give in. Realize, and express to the other person, that this issue is life or death to you. If not, how long are you willing to fight about an issue that you honestly don’t care that much about? Is it just a battle for control, or do you really care about the topic? If it’s just about control, drop the small issue, and express your deeper feelings and fears about losing control. Facing death gives us perspective about how we are spending our life. Facing the death of our relationship also gives us perspective. Do you really want to spend your time fighting about this particular issue? If not, surrender. An honorable peace is much more satisfying than a war about nonsense.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He currently works with individuals and couples in Sonoma, California.