Can this marriage be saved?

By the time many couples arrive in my office for counseling they are asking some variation of this question. Unfortunately, all too often, the answer is no. This is mainly because they have waited so long to seek help that the damage done is too severe. By the time I am consulted, one or both of the partners is really just looking for a way out of the marriage. Often, it is clear to me that, if the couple had sought help earlier, their issues could have been worked out together. However, by waiting till the hurt and anger has grown to such a degree, there is no chance to reclaim the love and possibility with which the marriage began. In these cases, a respectful and co-operative divorce is the best resolution available.
Divorce is often one of the most stressful and painful experiences a person will experience. On their wedding day, virtually all couples are filled with hopes and clear intentions to have the marriage last and thrive. The dissolving of the marriage vows represents a dying of those hopes, and generally feels like a failure to both parties. Much of the anger and bitterness that often persists between former partners stems from the desire to blame the other for the failure, and thus avoid the pain of blaming oneself. When I work with couples, I work to remove the idea of blame entirely.
Assigning blame does nothing to allow each person to move on with life. It can be immensely valuable for each individual to look at the process by which the relationship deteriorated in order to avoid repeating the pattern in another relationship. Taking responsibility for our mistakes and patterns allows us to learn from them. This empowers us to see every relationship as part of our growth process. I have even had couples who’ve continued to see me together after the divorce so that each could obtain understanding and completion of what happened in the marriage. Interestingly, since these couples no longer had the marriage at stake, the individuals became more honest about their true thoughts and feelings.
While couples who come to me contemplating divorce often start by pointing to one issue as the cause, there is virtually always a deeper, more long-running problem. Usually, at least one of the partners has been building a case for divorce for a long time. At some point that person’s intention shifted from making marriage work, to gathering evidence of the other’s wrongness. Some incident will trigger a deep sense of fear or loss of safety in one partner. If that partner does not take positive action to undo the damage, the movement towards divorce will begin. Unless steps are taken to heal the initial wound, eventually separation becomes the only recourse to recover the sense of personal safety.
I have seen so many couples who could have had successful marriages if they had gotten help soon after the rift began. Often the initial conflict is easily resolved, if years of growing apart do not follow. While it may be uncomfortable taking action, as soon as you feel things starting to drift away, it is critical to prevent the deeper pain that divorce will bring.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He currently works with individuals and couples in Sonoma, California.