“THE NO FAULT MARRIAGE – PART 1”

As much as we don’t want to, we will sometimes do things about which our partner feels pain. A convoluted sentence, I know, but it’s the only way to accurately express what really happens. Notice I did not say that we cause our partner pain. We are not able to cause pain in others, except physically. We can’t cause happiness, sadness, fear or any other emotion in someone else, and they can’t cause emotions in us.
Each of us is one hundred percent responsible for our own feelings. If we were able to control others’ feelings, then we would likely cause ourselves to be universally loved. No, for better or worse, everybody gets to feel however they do about each other, and about every other thing that happens in their life. While you do generate your own feelings, there’s very little you can do to change or control them. You can accept your feelings or resist them, choose to express them or hide them, let them roll by like clouds or get wrapped up in them. But whatever you do, feelings will come and go as they will.
One thing you can do is to notice which things trigger which feelings in you. Then you can choose to limit your exposure to those things that bring up discomfort or pain. However, trying to avoid all the things that bring you discomfort would leave you living a very limited life. Living life to avoid pain cuts out much of the joy and pleasure life has to offer. But choosing which pains are worth dealing with, and which are self-abusive to keep focusing on, is a form of maturity and self love. If there is a toxic person in your life, an unethical person, a cruel person, it is probably not worth the effort to discover why they upset you. It is simpler to stay away from them.
If there is someone you can’t avoid, such as your boss, then it is worth taking the time to examine your reactions and to see how that person is pushing your buttons. This will result in your being less reactive. You can also look for a new job. Generally, taking the path of the most ease, as opposed to the path of dis-ease, will produce the most joyful results.
In a marriage, how do we handle the places where our partner pushes our buttons? This is an ongoing balancing act. We must take responsibility for our own feelings, yet it may be easier for our partner to eliminate the offending behavior. Keep in mind that marriage is an absolute partnership. Problems must be resolved in a manner that is mutually satisfying. On any given issue, one of the partners may be doing most of the work, but that may be what is best for the partnership. Think of marriage as a business whose goal is to produce the life that the partners want. In a business, the partners may have very different roles. But at the end of the day, the business as a whole must be successful.
It doesn’t work for one partner to say, “I’m happy, so my marriage is working even if my partner is not happy” or “I think my behavior is fine, so it’s your problem if it bothers you.” Equally, it won’t work for the offended partner to simply say, “Your behavior bothers me, change it”. All upsets must be negotiated. How upsetting is the behavior? How hard would it be to alter it? Both partners need to look without the assumption that their way is better or right. Just because you’ve done something your whole life, or your family has always done it that way, doesn’t mean it’s right. Your partner may have always done it a different way. Your marriage is a new family, and must create its own rules. Those rules must be negotiated for the betterment of the marriage and both its partners.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He is the founder of The Marriage Path workshops. He works privately with individuals and couples in Glen Ellen, California.