The No-Fault Marriage – Part 2

As I discussed in last week’s column, we sometimes feel hurt, upset or emotionally wounded by something our partner does. While we are fully responsible for our pain, it is important to communicate that pain to our partner. If we had a physical injury that our partner was unintentionally aggravating, we would tell them. Emotional injuries are no less real or important. Letting our partner know where we are sensitive gives them the opportunity to avoid accidental upsets. Additionally, if we don’t express ourselves when we feel injured, even in small or unintended ways, we will begin to feel less safe around our partner.
I’ve had many couples come for therapy with a huge backlog of unexpressed hurts. Each partner will have accumulated a list of things the other does that have caused pain. When expressed, the other partner often has no idea the first partner was so bothered. If these upsets had been handled early, before resentment grew and trust was lost, many of these couples could have resolved their problems without my assistance. Couples generally start out with much goodwill and positive intentions. It is by handling issues as they arise that these good feelings are preserved, and a reserve of trust is built. Then, when difficult times arise, the couple will work through the problems together rather than turning on each other.
The “ow” process
This process is for handling the upset when one partner inadvertently says or does something which pushes a painful button in the other partner. One partner feels hurt. However, they may not say that they feel wounded. It may be a small pain, and they’re reluctant to make a big deal about it. Girls are often raised to be “nice,” and grow up suffering silently. Boys may be raised to be tough, and learn that real men aren’t supposed to complain about pain until it’s debilitating. People may think something like, “I know they didn’t mean to hurt me, so I shouldn’t make a big deal about it.” However, masking these small hurts often leads to bigger problems. Within a marriage, all the small hurts, insults and slights, real or imagined, intended or not, wear away at the foundation of trust if they are not handled. If they are allowed to build up until the load grows too heavy, the wounded party may explode with accumulated anger or simply quit the relationship. Use this simple process to handle the small stuff, and avoid bigger problems.
1. As soon as one partner feels hurt, they say “Ow” (or a similar pre-agreed signal word).
2 All talk or action stops. This is not to end whatever was being talked about, but to handle the immediate pain before continuing. If needed, make a note as to what you were discussing so you can come back to it later.
3. The hurt partner expresses their pain. This is done entirely with ‘I’ statements. Take absolute responsibility for your upset. For example, “I heard you say ______”, not “When you said______.” The upset person may keep talking until they feel complete and past the upset.
4. If feedback from the other partner is needed to complete the upset, do it now, then resume the previous discussion.
Remember, when someone feels hurt they can become frightened, defensive and/or aggressive. Be gentle and careful with each other during times of upset. Keep in mind that your purpose in talking with your partner is to create and experience love, not to “win” a fight.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He is the founder of The Marriage Path workshops. He works privately with individuals and couples in Glen Ellen, California.