The Venus/Mars marriage myth (Part 2)

As I discussed last week, we each come from our own planet. However, at the core, beneath all our learned thoughts and behaviors, we are all the same species. There are many words for this experience at the heart of being human: self, soul, spirit, beingness, humanity. While words can’t define it, we know it when we touch into it. And when we meet another who helps us connect to that commonality of being human, we generally call it love. Those people around us with whom we feel a natural connection become our friends, family, and lovers. When we find someone with whom that experience is deepest, they often become our partner. As we look into their eyes, as we hold them close, and live our lives together, it shortens the distance that separates us, and reconnects us to the common self that we all share. This is how relationships become a spiritual path, by allowing us to move beyond our individuality, and into the commonality of all humanity.
Unfortunately, while people often experience the thrill of connection early in relationships, as they live together, it gets lost amongst the details of daily life. I have given the following exercise to hundreds of couples and have had more positive feedback about this exercise than any other. Mary and I have been doing it for fifteen years. The more you do it, the more powerful it gets. It allows you and your partner to re-establish your core connection each day. The rest of your life together will be guided by this time of connection. The busier your life is, the more I encourage you to find the 15 minutes a day this exercise takes.
The “Be With” process
Begin the process by finding a comfortable place to sit across from each other. It doesn’t matter where, as long as you can easily look into each other’s eyes. Take a few deep breaths to get settled. You may be touching or not, depending on your preference, but you want to be close. Mary and I prefer to hold hands.
Look into each other’s eyes for at least five minutes. Allow yourself to be as present as possible. Focus your attention on your partner, not on the chatter of your mind. When you catch yourself lost in thoughts, simply refocus your attention on your partner. Be aware of your emotional response. Notice if you feel the need to perform for your partner. There is no wrong way to do this, since the purpose is merely to be together during this time. Whatever arises in you is the stuff that gets between you and being with another. The longer you practice being with another, the easier it will get to be present.
When your silent time is over, each of you will take a turn talking to the other. Alternate daily who goes first. Each person shares for five minutes. The other person continues to be present, and just listens. There is no responding. Each person talks uninterrupted about his or her own experience. This is not a time for discussing the business of the day. This is a time for revealing your thoughts and feelings about your life. Certainly, you can discuss your feelings about what is happening in your life, but this is about revealing what is below the surface to your partner. Since your partner cannot respond, it is especially important to use ‘I’ statements during this process. If, after both partners have had a chance to share without interruption, you wish to have a dialogue about whatever came out during the process, so much the better.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He is the founder of The Marriage Path workshops. He currently works with individuals and couples in Sonoma, California.