One of the most popular, and destructive, of the modern myths about relationships was captured by author John Gray. This latest repackaging of the old sexual stereotyping is known as “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” Sorry folks, I wish it were that simple. Life would be much easier if we could just shove everybody into a few basic pigeonholes, but people are far more complicated than that. Each one of us is from our own planet. Each person you meet, whatever race, nationality, or gender, has their own distinct personality, beliefs, customs, language, habits, and everything else that makes them an individual. Each one of us has had a completely unique life experience, and sees reality from our own point of view. No matter how much two people have in common, or how close their relationship becomes, each remains a distinct individual. Trying to lump people together in generalizations merely leads to misunderstandings, and a lack of appreciation of each individual’s unique beauty. The fact that a person is the same sex as some other person you’ve known in the past, does not mean the two have very much in common. Yes, women have one different gene pair than men, but given the vast number of gene sequences that make us human, it’s just one of the many possible differences any two people can have.
Some of you may have siblings. Siblings are your closest genetic matches, much closer than any friend of the same sex. Are you just like them? I have a brother a year older than I. The single most common comment by people who know us both is “I can’t believe you two are related.” If genetics was the key to a close relationship, he and I would be best friends. Instead, as he has said, “We have nothing in common except growing up in the same house.”
If there were only two planets, one for each gender, and that was the cause for intimate relationship problems, then the secret to happy marriages and relationships would be simple; we could all have only same sex relationships. Sorry, but that doesn’t work either. Same sex relationships have the same inter-personal problems as opposite sex relationships. I have counseled many gay couples. If I were to show you a transcript of two counseling sessions, one of a gay couple and one of a straight couple, and I were to remove all gender specific references, you would not be able to tell which was which. All couples struggle over the same inter-personal issues. The problems of learning to communicate, how to share and compromise, learning to respect your partner’s individuality while functioning as a team, these are universal. The biggest barrier to healthy, joyful relationships is not just that we each come from our own planet, but that we persist in trying to make our planet’s beliefs and customs right.
Whether we are meeting someone new, or relating to an existing friend, it is important to remember that they represent a new world for us to explore. It is not our job to impose our opinions, customs or social structures on them, but to learn about how their world operates, and to appreciate its uniqueness. While some people will be easy to relate to, others will challenge us with their differences. It is not necessary to agree with or even fully understand another’s world to get along with that person, but respecting and appreciating our differences allows us to move beyond what is different and discover our commonalities. Next week I’ll explore a powerful tool for discovering what all our planets have in common.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He is the founder of The Marriage Path workshops. He currently works with individual and couples in Sonoma, California.
