Marriage and Monogamy (Part 1)

The two elements that traditionally constitute a marriage are lifetime commitment and monogamy. You could say that it’s the commitment to a lifetime of fidelity that’s the big issue. Many people feel that limiting themselves to one sexual partner for life is unnatural. Others feel the entire notion of monogamy is outdated. Some believe in poly-amorism, which holds that it’s through loving multiple partners that we express our spirituality. Many couples fear that over the years sex will become boring, and the temptation to cheat will simply be too strong. Others, especially people who did not have varied experiences with pre-marital sex, wonder if there might be someone or something better out there, and monogamy would means missing out. I have no argument with any of these beliefs, yet I contend that monogamy remains a vital part of marriage, though not for the traditional reasons.
I want to remind the reader that while I am a marriage teacher and counselor, I do not advocate marriage for everybody. Marriage is not an ideal towards which all couples must strive. One of the main reasons for the high divorce rate is that the marriage rate is too high. Marriage can be one of the truly ecstatic experiences available to humans, but between ill-suited partners it can bring misery. Many people are not built for the emotional or physical discipline required to produce a truly joyous marriage year after year. These people are better served by serial monogamy, or some other form of loving relationship. There is nothing lacking in having a deep, loving relationship with another person which comes to a natural parting. We usually accept this with friends, but not with lovers. Loving different people, teaches us different lessons, and serial monogamy is a way of life that has too long been dismissed as not as worthwhile as marriage. To declare that any couple who does not get married, and stay married, has had a failed relationship, is out-dated and destructive thinking. Marriage is simply one possible spiritual path. For those drawn to it, the rewards can be great. For those who marry primarily because they feel they should, the results are usually negative.
Monogamy was traditionally a part of marriage largely for economic, health and power/control reasons. A primary economic issue was lineage. For the purpose of inheritance, both of wealth and position, the identity of the father had to be assured. Lacking effective birth control, the wife’s fidelity was needed to be sure of the father. Since the husband’s fidelity wasn’t required to establish paternity, the sexual double standard developed. Fidelity did also serve the mother, as being able to prove who the father was, obligated the man to economic support of the children. Since women had scant economic opportunities, it was important that the husband provided for his offspring. While people have long understood the idea of sexually transmitted disease, the exact cause was not. Women were blamed as carriers of disease, and virgins prized for lack of disease. In some cultures it is still believed that sex with a virgin is a cure for sexual diseases. The sexual double standard also served to enhance the male domination of women. Women kept in the dark sexually would have nothing to compare to their husbands, and would supposedly not know if their husbands were incompetent lovers.
Ancient religions tended to have women priestesses, and revered women’s reproductive and sexual powers. As the modern religions sought to suppress the old ways, they labeled the priestesses witches, and portrayed sexuality as a sin that women, and thereby the devil, seduced men with. By doing this, not only were both women and the old religions suppressed, but men were relieved of blame for their own sexual urges. However, they were still required to seek absolution for their sexuality. Enforced monogamy kept women down, and kept men under the power of the church. Altogether a rather brilliant piece of power politics.
While the old reasons for monogamy are mostly outdated, there are powerful reasons for retaining it within a modern marriage. I shall explore these next in Part 2.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He is the founder of The Marriage Path workshops. He works privately with individuals and couples in Glen Ellen, California.