Marriage and monogamy (Part 2)

Jeffrey Low
Special to the Sun
In part one of this article, I detailed the traditional reasons for monogamy within marriage. Among these were economics, lineage, health, religion and domination of women. In our current society none of these old reasons make much sense. We have good birth control and paternity tests in case they fail. We have religious freedom, even if some apparently wish we didn’t. While some still rail against the tide, most people accept that both men and women have natural sexual desires and that most will explore these before deciding whether they wish to enter into marriage. Women have achieved sufficient economic parity that they don’t need a man to survive. More than half the children in this country live in single-parent homes, so the stigma associated with having only one parent has ended. Since sex as a survival issue has run its course, why bother with monogamy? Primarily because, if you wish to build a lifetime bond of love, trust, partnership and intimacy, monogamy is an important tool in that construction.
It is worth nothing that all the major world religions, both Eastern and Western, those that condemn sexuality, and those that embrace it, endorse monogamy within marriage. Some oppose sex before marriage; others have no objection, but once married, they all agree that monogamy serves the marriage. While their stated reasons vary widely, I think all have connected to a basic truth. Sex is a powerful tool of spiritual connection. Most religions, in some way, recognize sexuality as a spiritual sacrament. Sex holds the potential for an unparalleled energetic connection between the participants, and an opening of the heart energy within each. This is powerful stuff. Yes, it can be used for fun and games, but it holds the potential for much more. Focus, intention and safety are needed to raise it from mere physical pleasure, to a deep spiritual experience. Monogamy serves all three. It greatly lessens fear that one will be abandoned by one’s partner for a more/better/different person. Knowing that sex is reserved for within the marriage pushes both partners to strive for mutual satisfaction. After all, if your partner isn’t satisfied, he or she is going to be far less interested in repeating the experience on a regular basis. Fidelity also makes clear that each partner has the full intention to make this relationship work. By giving up the option of escaping to someone else, both partners are indicating that if there is a problem they will stay and face it. Sex within a committed, spiritual, working marriage just gets better and better. It is about the expression of love, more than just the physical pleasure. The physical is still pleasurable and valuable, but it is far out paced by the emotional and spiritual rewards.
However, monogamy is only partially about sex. For most people sex is inextricably bound to love, trust and intimacy. There are good reasons we call it making love. If we try to spread that level of intimacy around, it lessens the amount we have with our partner. While we certainly can love more than one person at a time, creating a relationship of the depth needed to sustain a marriage over a lifetime requires focusing on your partner. The more escape hatches you build in a marriage, including sexual ones, the more likely one of the partners will abandon the partnership when you hit a rough patch. Monogamy helps to seal the safe container in which the real work of marriage is done.
Can marriage work without sexual fidelity? I’ve known many that have tried. Their divorce rate has been at least 90 percent. It just seems that lifetime commitment and sexual infidelity don’t go together. People are free to choose one or the other, but it seems that for most people, the choice must be made.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He is the founder of The Marriage Path workshops. He currently works with individual couples, and teaches marriage classes, in Sonoma, California.