How to get served a drink before everyone else in the joint

First, a quick synopsis of last month’s column: tipping your bartender is good. Not tipping is bad. A dollar a drink is perfect. Save your nickels for your grandchildren, unless you’re leaving 20 of them in the form of a paper dollar bill.
Now that you’re up to speed, I wanted to discuss the order in which a busy bartender takes drink orders. Imagine a bar two people deep. This means every seat at the bar is taken and there’s a whole row of people behind the seated ones looking for drinks. Ideally, the bartender takes drink orders on a first-come, first-served basis. This is not always the case. There are a variety of factors that determine the order in which a bartender chooses to ask you for your order. Some are fair and some are not. Use this handy guide to help you move up the line and secure a drink quicker.
I always take a great tipper first. He’s earned it. Heck, he’s paid for it. Second, I take the order of a cute member of the opposite sex. If she happens to be a great tipper, well, naturally, she would’ve been asked first. Next is the polite person. The one waiting patiently, someone I don’t know. This one has the greatest chance of moving up in line next time and I’ll take my chances on a patient, well-behaved person any day. Manners count. Then the order goes to first come, first served. Dead last, bringing up the rear, is the guy who’s yelling and whistling, waving money and knocking over drinks to get attention. For all his theatrics, he’s still about as visible to me as Wonder Woman’s jet.
Don’t wave money. I’m not a stripper. Never snap your fingers or whistle. I’m neither your servant nor your dog. Don’t yell at the bartender. The first of your five senses to go when you’re drunk is your hearing. You may be yelling and not even know it. Screaming when I’m less than five feet away is too loud, especially if you’re telling me to turn up the music. Never throw anything at the bartender (yes, it happens all too frequently); he’s not a monkey in a cage for your amusement. No matter who you are or how drunk you are, people who do these things end up last in line every time. You wouldn’t snap your fingers when grandma’s serving her famous turkey dinner on Thanksgiving. She’d wallop you so hard your head would spin like Linda Blair’s.
If you feel that you’re being neglected say my name once, and only once. I heard you the first time. You are only allowed to say my name repeatedly if we are in a deep embrace, elsewhere.
If you don’t know my name, try “bartender” or “barkeep” or “sir.” These are nice and acceptable ways to get my attention. Try and make eye contact – it’s friendly.
Next month: More drink ordering etiquette, such as: liquor before mixer and other ordering mishaps.
Write me! Ask questions at bartender@thmm.com. I may even answer them.