Of baseball hats and bad mannners
Social grace isn’t simply about knowing what fork to use or whether one may eat a sauced fish directly from the fish knife … you may, but you probably will never run across a proper fish knife in this country. It is also decidedly not about being unkind to oneself or to others for not knowing these things. What we are looking to do with this new column is add a measure of refinement to our encounters with each other and to encourage personal dignity. Our own dignity and that of the person sleeping next to us, sleeping down the hall from us, living in the house next door, working in the office next door, serving us, accepting service from us and so on. Here we are going to explore the social conventions that enable us to be our best selves.
Dear Grace,
My son insists on wearing his baseball cap in restaurants. He removes it in upscale restaurants when asked, but if the restaurant is casual, he refuses and points to other teenagers wearing caps. Are there restaurants where it is okay to wear a cap during the meal?
“Cap”-tured in Glen Ellen
Dear Cap-tured,
Hats off to you for raising a son who understands the nuances of social behavior in relation to context. Hats off to your son for practicing the arts of negotiation and compromise. You happen to be correct regarding the “rule” for men wearing hats indoors. Let’s see if we can find a middle ground that will work for both you and your spawn.
Head coverings were invented to keep the head warm. Hat brims in particular to keep the rain, sleet, snow and sun out of the eyes. Hats overall were a symbol of social rank and now are an expression of style. Hats on young women are often worn to attract attention and hats on young men, too often, as a way for them to disengage or keep a low profile. There are different standards for each sex regarding hats in social settings.
The rule has been a man always takes his hat off indoors – except in synagogues, stores, and the public areas of public buildings, and outdoors when being introduced; when speaking with a woman, an older man or any individual to whom he wants to show respect; when the flag is passing by; and for the national anthem. Unless it is raining or snowing … then he can leave his hat on even in these situations.
However, the rule was established when baseball caps were rarely seen off the baseball field and long before logo merchandizing made the cap ubiquitous and turned us all into walking billboards. The rule also preceded any distinction between upscale restaurants and casual restaurants.
Where are you and your son to find mutual accommodation in casual restaurant settings? I suggest the following: son removes his hat any time he is with any woman in addition to you, an older man in addition to his father or with anyone to whom he needs to show respect. The hat comes off anytime he is in the presence of a young woman with whom he will be interacting. The hat stays on anytime he is out only with his “crew.” Gourmet Taco Shop and you are with him? Let him have that one if it makes him feel less conspicuous to leave the hat on. Keeping his hat on during those male-bonding weekends with all the dads and sons? Hat on 24 hours a day – you won’t see it so you don’t care.
Dear Grace,
I am in eighth grade and sometimes I notice poor manners in my friends. Is it proper to politely correct someone else’s behavior when I see they are making mistakes for instance, elbows on table, chewing with an open mouth etcetera? I don’t want to be rude, but I also don’t want my friends to embarrass themselves.
To Tell or Not to Tell, That is the Question
Dear Hamleta,
There is very little likelihood you correcting a friend’s behavior will have a good outcome for you. It would constitute questionable manners on your part to offer unsolicited advice and you risk a reputation of being conceited or a boring “know-it-all.” Trust me, Dear Grace has made this mistake. Unless the bad behavior is directed towards you, in which case you may weigh in and comment, let it go. It is always better to lead by the example of your own good taste and manners. Unless asked for advice, it is best to wait until you are a parent, a teacher or an advice columnist to take it upon yourself to correct others’ faults.
Send all of your questions regarding manners, morals and style to deargrace@sonomasun.com. Questions submitted may be edited. If is possible that not all questions will be answered but Grace will to her very best.
