It’s June and a lot of gift-giving is going on around town – graduations, Father’s Day, weddings, not to mention routine baby showers, birthdays and anniversaries. Grace thinks it timely to ponder the nature of the gift.
By definition, a gift is the transfer of something without the expectation of receiving something in return. Yet all societies have customs relative to the giving of gifts in specific circumstances – holidays, birthdays, weddings – such that cultural “expectations” for both gift givers and receivers abound.
Evolving ideas of etiquette and differences according to location, socio-economic status and generation all make it difficult to pin down a universal gift-giving protocol. While custom amongst families and friends may define most of a person’s gift obligations and expectations, what happens when he or she moves to a new job, a new city or even a new neighborhood where practices and expectations may differ? The few rules that do exist are useful in these circumstances but not in all.
Books have been written on gift-giving and this column will likely revisit the issue again and again. For the moment, here are two unusual gift-related queries.
Dear Grace,
What is the etiquette for the “no gifts” invitation? Many times we have been invited to an event where the invitation clearly states “no gifts.” Inevitably, some guests bring “a little something.” Those of us that bring nothing end up looking foolish when the gifts come out. How do I express my personal regard yet honor the “no gift” directive?
Receiving Mixed Signals
Dear Mixed,
When the person in whose honor the party is given makes a “no gifts’” request, it should be presumed that they have a reason for doing so. It may be that they simply don’t need anymore “stuff” or are uncomfortable as an adult displaying an “expectation” that they should be presented with gifts. The guest list may include a number of people that are merely acquaintances rather than intimate friends and they may not want such persons to feel obligated to buy a gift.
For all of these potential reasons, it is decidedly inappropriate for a guest to disregard the “no gifts” request. When guests bring gifts anyway, it may embarrass the party honoree. It definitely will embarrass those guests that do follow the instruction and come with nothing.
What should you do if you are a close friend of the honoree and want to give them something? You should honor them ahead of time and send a gift apart from the party.
Dear Grace,
My wife and I belong to a group of friends that spends a lot of time together – parties, farmer’s market potlucks, and dinners out. All of us enjoy great wine and keep a wine cellar, and each couple brings a bottle or two to each event. My question is – when guests bring wine to a friend’s home, is the host obligated to serve it at that time or may it be considered a gift and allowed to go to the cellar for later consumption?
Greedy or Gracious?
Dear GG,
There is no definitive answer. Sorry. Grace consulted the learned texts and came up with a range of well-argued, but conflicting customs. Ultimately, you and your group are going to have to settle on a course of your own. But let’s at least shape the discussion with a little background.
The concept of a host/hostess gift dates back to a social order that did not recognize the potluck as a preferred social form. A gift to the hosts was given to show appreciation for the considerable work and expense of creating a gathering that enriched the guests. The party itself was the more significant gift than the bottles of wine, flowers and candy brought by the guests.
Even now, in the case of a dinner party that is hosted without a request for guest contributions to the meal, any wine brought should be considered a gift to the hosts and there should be no expectation of the wine being opened. Particularly with your set of friends, you should expect that the host will pair wines from his cellar to go with the meal. Under these circumstances, the hosts are entitled to add the gift wine to their cellar.
If, on the other hand, the party is a potluck or guests have been encouraged to bring wine to share, the hosts should anticipate that all bottles brought by guests will be shared that evening.
The tricky part comes when the guests collectively bring more wine than can be consumed during the evening. Should the guests be allowed to take back any wines not consumed? The customary “rule” is that if a guest brings something to a hosted party, it stays with the hosts if not consumed. But you and your friends are free to chart your own course here. Until you all figure it out, however, Grace advises that you limit the number of bottles you contribute to one or two and avoid having to greedily take back bottles that were intended to be contributed.
Send all your questions to DearGrace@sonomasun.com. Questions submitted may be edited. Not all questions may be answered.
