What up? Yo! Hey! How’s it goin’? Hi! Hello. How very nice to see you. Our greetings are an act of communication in which we acknowledge the presence of one another. We greet each other in many different ways, depending upon the setting and the expectations of the people we meet. Greetings can be accomplished with nothing more than a handshake, a slap on the back, the tip of hat, a wave, a wink, a smile, a hug or a kiss. Our choice of greeting reflects a myriad of internal assumptions we make about the social requirements of the moment and at the same time, signals to others scores of things about our social status, education and urban sophistication. Whatever the greeting, it should be calibrated to the circumstances. One size does not, in this instance, fit all.
Dear Grace,
I have been experiencing an overwhelming desire to kiss and hug women who I know. It’s an urge that I’m having trouble containing. Should I just go for it or should I restrain my urges?
Kissy Face
Dear K-Face,
Let the truth be out – Grace is a bit of a hugger herself. Not much of a kisser – unless she’s with Europeans, when it’s just fun to play along. Automatic hugging upon greeting is like any other habit – if you can’t control it, it can get you in trouble. When you start indiscriminately hugging business associates and bank tellers, it is time to seek help.
Although your gender is not specified, your letter suggests that the “overwhelming” urge to kiss and hug upon greeting is a recent phenomenon that even you are surprised by. Such sudden onsets of emotionality are often related to hormone fluctuations that overpower the exercise of judgment. Hormone changes affect men and women, but stereotypically we associate them most often with the latter.
If the exercise of judgment were to prevail, you would realize that the familiarity of a hug or a kiss might make the recipient uncomfortable or that you may be signaling a degree of closeness that even you don’t feel. Also, the hug can be a bit parental, suggesting that you may be trying to protect the recipient or make everything nice for them. Some people like this support from certain friends, others do not.
My recommendation is to save the hugs for the good-byes and bestow them only on those people of whom you are extremely fond and are fond of you or that share a close familial or friend relationship. On occasion, you may hug and kiss someone you just met with whom you made an instant meaningful connection.
Dear Grace,
What is the proper way of interacting with someone whom you dislike when you run into them in your everyday activities? I always thought it was best to go about your business and only acknowledge the person if they acknowledge you. Friends have said to avoid these people at all costs, even if it means arriving late or going a different path. I feel like that is hiding and inappropriate when you have done nothing wrong. Others have said “kill them with kindness” and go out of your way to be the better person. I think that showing insincere kindness is hypocritical. What do you suggest?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Being forced by social circumstance to interact with a person that you would otherwise choose to avoid is tricky. You absolutely need not cross a room to greet such a person but if the two of you find yourselves within striking distance in the grocery store or at a Farmer’s Market, you also need not expend the energy it would take to avoid them or to “kill them with kindness.” If you are polite, in a minimally expected, generic sort of way, there is no downside for you. You solidify your own reputation for mannerly behavior without encouraging further or more direct contact with the person.
If in the past, the person was rude or disrespectful to you personally, the interaction will likely be short and non-committal by a mutual desire not to prolong it – on your part due to the prior slight and on their part due to embarrassment or a genuine dislike of you. More complicated is the situation where you observed the person seemingly being rude to someone else or otherwise appearing dishonorable, in which case they may not be aware of your opinion of them and seek to engage you to a greater degree. Here, you will want to behave in a polite but reserved manner and to disengage with a smile and a quick “Sorry, but I have to run!”
Following the general strategy of being polite allows you to keep your options open in the off chance that the circumstances causing your initial dislike of the person were misinterpreted by you. Regardless of which, your behavior toward the person will have been beyond reproach.
Send all your questions to DearGrace@sonomasun.com. Questions submitted may be edited. Not all questions may be answered.
