Dear Emily,
My 16 year old’s room is a mess, and I am at my wit’s end. I don’t know what to do. There is no visible floor space in his room; clothes, trash, and school papers are piled everywhere, and dirty dishes are stacked on every available surface. I stopped nagging him to clear his room years ago because all the fighting was ruing our relationship. I decided it didn’t really matter as long as he changed the sheets occasionally, the mess was confined to his room, and there was no food decaying in there. But now it has reached a whole new level of chaos and uncleanliness. I sometimes think he doesn’t know where to begin, but any offer of help is rejected. He is very busy with sports and school so I tend to clean up at least the dishes and food. Advice on how to help him get his things organized?
Tearing my hair out!
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Dear Tearing Your Hair Out–
I do not know how to help him because HE DOES NOT CARE IF HIS ROOM IS CLEAN! But let me ask you: WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? Does he pay the mortgage? the rent? the exterminator for the mice or rats? Of course not. YOU OWN THE HOUSE, YOU PAY THE BILLS, AND YOU ARE ALSO A PERSON! You are tearing your hair out, obviously upset, and yet the most concern you express is about how busy your son is, and maybe the poor guy doesn’t know where to begin. (Does he know how to write a school paper? If so, then he could figure out how to clean his room.)
Time to change this. Make a list of all the things that are of critical importance to you: 1) no dirty dishes or food in room 2) clothes and linens washed periodically 3) stuff off the floor (just examples; you’ll have your own list). Let me him know that you will check his room once every (2,3,4) weeks (your choice) and will give him notice. He can either do all the above by the deadline or you will do it.. Tell him that if you clean his room you will make all decisions about where things go, what will be thrown away, etc. If he doesn’t want to you inspecting his room or making decisions about it, he can do it himself. I am not suggesting you be mean or retaliatory; don’t throw away his photo of his girlfriend or his favorite boyhood object. Just clean his room to your satisfaction.
He may say, “Gee thanks Mom, I was hoping you’d ask”. More likely he’ll say “You have no right in my room, it’s my business, I’m going to tell Dad, or Grandpa, or put a lock on my door!” You say only, “This is my house and I pay the bills and I expect a certain level of cleanliness and order. You do it or I will.” And then do it. (He won’t believe you until you do it. Do it while he’s at school.)
WHAT TO EXPECT: Nine times out of ten the thought of one’s parent cleaning up one’s room is so abhorrent to adolescents that, lo and behold, they do it themselves – not necessarily to your standards, but you can finish the job. If this approach escalates and he becomes threatening, or does put a lock on the door (not permitted in my house, and I’d recommend that in yours) then something more serious might be going on than just a dirty room. Occasionally this kind of behavior masks more serious problems: drug use, difficulties in school, depression, troubles with peers. I would conclude he was upping the stakes as a way of asking for help. At that point it’s time to consult a counselor.
If it’s any comfort, I read once that the only thing that all teenagers have in common is that they hang their clothes on the floor.
Been there, done that,
Emily
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