I was groomed by a predator
By Sharyn Paquette —
Sonoma was recently rocked by news of a high school teacher’s predatory behavior that resulted in an inappropriate relationship with a student. My thoughts shared here come from experience, therapy, and research as a long-time victim of molestation and not from a position of authority.
I was first victimized for several years by a neighbor. I was five when it began. I was “groomed” long before that.
A successful predator targets and subtly grooms his victims and gets “buy-in,” which is never the victim’s fault – they don’t know it’s happening and it can go on right under a parent’s nose. When my family moved, I was targeted by a predator in my new neighborhood. They recognize you immediately.
I believed this is how all men are. It is not. I also believed if a male of any age did not show interest in me in that way, I was unappealing. 
We don’t know or talk enough about how to protect our children from this. An off-color joke, touching your arm, looking for a certain reaction. Those who have their natural aversion intact will look at him strangely or tell him he’s disgusting, etc. The predator moves on to those who react positively or show a familiar acceptance – a previous victim is an easier target. They work for the victim to like and trust them, even seek them out.
No matter how wonderful a teacher, coach, pastor, neighbor, or family member seems, never compare your own experience of normalcy against your child’s experience. A predator especially wants to “present” well with parents! They need access. When your child says “he’s creepy,” never imply your child is unkind. Stay neutral. Listen.
This also goes for male victims (more common than we know and much less likely to tell someone) and female predators (less common).
The absolute best thing we can teach our kids is that they are in charge of their affection – they never need to be physically close to anyone, even you, if they don’t want to. If it doesn’t feel right they should exit immediately. It may seem innocent, but ignoring this is the wearing down of body wisdom which is there as in-born protection against predators.
You don’t have to be “touched” to be victimized. Experience through any of the senses can cause true trauma and shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Your kids who had any kind of relationship with this predatory teacher may be experiencing trauma. Potentially more direct victims may come forward and those scenarios may be more progressed. They may only share part of their experience; your reaction and acceptance will dictate the possibility of their willingness to share more. Victims often partially protect their predator out of embarrassment, guilt, loyalty, or fear.
Until a child is secure in their body wisdom, be very selective whose care they are in whether licensed facilities, good friends, even family members. Observe, observe, observe and do it discreetly. Feel anything off? No need to justify. Remove your child.
Sensitive from my own wounds I was always present at play-dates when my children were under five years old. After I felt they were secure in their body wisdom and could verbalize abuse or what didn’t feel right to them I relaxed. This is key! 
This may be the hardest part to talk about or take in: even if it felt good, or you came to seek out your victimizer, it was not your fault and you are a victim. After beating myself up that I couldn’t or didn’t try harder to stop it or that sometimes things felt good, the saving elixir my therapist gave to me was the truth that sexual acts are supposed to feel good. If someone held you down and forced chocolate into your mouth it would still taste good! To be abused it doesn’t have to hurt or be unpleasant. 
One of the most insidious parts of this is when you are victimized it robs you of guilt-free enjoyment of natural healthy sexual relationships. When you are groomed young, your “NO” has been stolen and you are stuck being vulnerable to every predator – you think this is your normal reality. You don’t know how to get your power back even when you are aware of what’s happening. I’m glad I finally found mine with help. I hope this helps someone else at least a little.
Sharyn Paquette, originally from Boston, is a long-time Sonoma resident, mom, artist, singer, writer, hairstylist and novice bread baker. She is currently working on writing and self-publishing her first novel.
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This well written piece of personal history should be published in every major news source across the globe.
She is brave and has summoned the courage to tell the truth about a horrific abuse that continues today.
Thanks to Ms. Paquette for sharing the reality that is hers, and is a reality shared by millions today.
Thanks to Sonoma Sun for offering actual journalism amidst the garbage that pours on us from the MainStream Media!