In a healthy, loving relationship, there is a strong desire to take care of your partner and an equally strong imperative to take care of yourself. In the dynamics of giving to each other, there are three possible scenarios. Two of these work smoothly; the third causes many of the conflicts in relationships. The three scenarios are: both partners are feeling strong and giving; one partner feels strong and the other partner feels needy; both partners feel needy. This last is where the problems lie.
When both partners are feeling positive, there is the opportunity for joyful, loving, creative times both together and separately. If one partner is feeling needy, the partner who is feeling strong can use this as an opportunity to give love and support to the struggling partner. Sometimes that will require the strong partner to pay a lot of attention; other times it will mean giving the needy partner his or her own space, but either will be experienced as a loving gift.
So what happens when both people are feeling needy? When we are feeling needy, we are mostly in our child mode. Our sense of our ability to take care of, or parent, ourselves, has temporarily been lost. We believe we need someone else to take care of us, to make us feel safe, secure, and loved. So we turn to our spouse to assume the role of good parent, and instead find another needy child looking for us to take care of them. At that point, we will tend to revert to whatever strategies we used as children to gain our parents’ attention. Among the more common of these are competition, especially common to those who had siblings close in age, and crying, traditionally a women’s tactic, but more men are understanding the power of tears: and throwing a tantrum, since negative attention is better than none at all.
Competition usually comes down to a contest of who’s in worse shape. Each person expresses his or her problems (bad day at work, illness, emotional trauma, etc.) and the ‘winner’ is the one who has it the worst. That entitles them to their partner’s attention. An unfortunate side effect of this contest is that both people feel worse. By focusing on your negative experiences, you make them even larger. You may win some attention, but at what a price! The loser of the contest (the one whose life isn’t quite as bad) is then supposed to take care of the winner. This leads to resentment, and sometimes an unconscious determination to make their own life worse so they will win the next time. Couples, and even friends, often fall into this pattern without noticing. Pay attention to how much expression of negativity goes on in your relationships. Look to see what you really want from the other person, and ask for it directly, rather than making yourself pitiful and hoping they guess what you need.
Crying is, of course, a real and legitimate response to any kind of pain. It is important to distinguish between crying as an expression of pain, and crying as an attempt to manipulate. Crying, as a call for help, is a baby’s primary tool. Unfortunately, it often remains the only tool that a person has for getting support. It can become the trump card to be used in neediness competitions. Again, by not asking for what you really want, you are not only disempowering yourself, but tend to build resentment in others. Learning to release trapped feelings and tears is still an important step for most men in our culture. Too many of us were raised to believe that big boys don’t cry. Seeking that balance between non-verbal release of feelings, and saying what you really want, is an important learning process for all of us.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978.
