Sometimes not returning a text is so easy. You can tell yourself to let things go and sometimes that’s okay. I mean, it’s a good thing to let things slide. Until they become a landslide.
These days it’s called “ghosting.” Some people drift away, off into the “too-lee” fog, a bit spooky for sure. I’ve lost a few friends that way. Being a believer in closure, I’ve often tried to connect. It doesn’t always work out. Lost friends are losses. Never knowing what happened is hard. Stepping up to delicate dialogues takes courage and not all of us have the ability.
Still, I see the relief and repair when we do work it through. Lost communications “in the cloud” can poke a big hole in the fabric of our lives. I recall one couple in my therapy office this year that struggled with the dead spots in their relationship. What to do when the vibes between you just aren’t quite right but you don’t know why? So, you shut down, become dulled, absent, like an ashy apparition. She had asked him a question and suddenly he was silent. They were both afraid to talk about it, neither one wanted to pass the hot potato. Out of the blue, there was a strange pause, a sandpaper-like, dry cough in his throat.
As we unpacked it, she said, “I freeze up, thinking, ‘what did he really mean by that?’ Or, the story in my head is that he doesn’t care about me.” He was actually afraid to bring it up. He felt embarrassed to admit his own fear of passing the hot potato. He admitted, “after fifty years in a good marriage, I can’t believe I’m still so hesitant to bring up something that might make her mad or upset us both.”
I get it, it’s part of us all. Sometimes, we find ways to vanish, into activities, sleep, the internet, sarcasm, edginess or whatever.
His issues? Not wanting to fight or feel separate, not trusting they could have a difficult dialogue. One of hers was resentment about “always being the one to bring things up.” They decided they would both work on picking up the hot potato. They would each communicate more.
Hey, these personal issues are also collective. I can’t even reach businesses half the time anymore. I’m told I’ll get “a call back” which usually arrives when I’m in the shower. Then there are the “call backs” that never come. There’s no there – there.
Missing persons are happening everywhere in our world, both in our homes and countries. We allow disappearances out of fear. Joseph Heller describes it in the workplace in his book, “Something Happened.” He writes, “In the office in which I work there are five people of whom I am afraid. Each of these five people is afraid of four people (excluding overlaps) for a total of 20, and each of these 20 people is afraid of six people, making a total of 120 people who are feared by at least one person. (Everyone is) afraid of the 12 men at the top who helped found and build the company.”
When I asked one male client this week what helped them communicate better in his marriage, he joked, “Your suggestions are sort of like guard rails.” Here are a few of the main ones:
Use “I” statements, something like, “The story in my head is…”
Go slow. State your positive intention, like, “I want to understand.”
Stay curious, listen deeply.
Delicate dialogues help the circulation of community and of our immune systems, they build collaboration, keep us alive, unlike ghosts.
(These are composite stories, confidentiality protected.)
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