Those who think the above title was chosen simply to attract attention to this column win a 2026 Smartypants Award, guaranteeing future access to this column free of charge.
The critter-killing subject in question is the still-popular ‘sport’ of Hunting.
But why? Well, our sacred 2nd Amendment Right To Bear Arms exists only because a “well regulated militia is necessary to the security of a free state.” While awaiting return of the British, our militias can practice their killing skills by ‘harvesting’ wildlife. Every state has a civilian militia of licensed harvesters.
And they’re very, very good, too. Professor Google says hunters killed about six million deer nationwide in 2025 alone. And that’s just deer. How many vicious squirrels were gunned down? Animal Rights groups estimate 30 million.
For perspective, the number of humans shot to death in the U.S. last year was ‘only’ 42,348. Of course, half of those were suicides. While deer occasionally get ‘caught in the headlights,’ they don’t do so intentionally.
But in defense of hunting, it must be said: Wild animals just take up space and can be very annoying. They get into yards and farms, eat crops, kill chickens, trample flowers, etc. Yes, deer are very cute but – really – what good are they? You can’t milk them. They don’t work in circuses or rodeos. They get ticks and fleas, and poop so much that careless hunters can step in it while shooting them to death.
Yes, deer and other wildlife do eat vegetation, which thins underbrush, reduces invasive species and wild-fire hazards and lets in sunlight to balance the “ecosystem.” And some are very cute, especially little fawns. And bunnies. But as many hunters will attest: a deer’s head looks much better mounted over the fireplace than wandering in the woods. Some say that when you gut, cut, clean and cook them, wild animals taste almost as good as – or better – than meat from Safeway.
Sadly, however, with the price of rifles, ammunition, hunting clothes, licenses, beer and diesel for the truck all going through the roof – plus tariffs – many hunters can’t afford supermarket meat.
So here’s a Great Hack for those who need to kill wildlife in order to feed their families: Take a cellphone photo of the critter before pulling the trigger. Yes! That photo will capture exactly how the critter looked just before it was shot stone. cold. dead. Use the ‘zoom’ feature to get a good close-up, so – when preparing its head to mount on the wall over the fireplace – the taxidermist can get just the right “look.”
Of that face. And those eyes.
That hack works when killing wolves, bears, mountain lions, grouse, duck, partridge, elk, pheasant, wild turkey, wild pig, quail, antelope, dove, bighorn sheep, goose, coyote, falcon, hawk – any wild critter not listed as an ‘endangered species.’ If not otherwise endangered, all wildlife can be ‘harvested’ (in season, of course) with guns a-blazing.
Some final hunting thoughts:
- Some may want to consult Pope Leo XIV (formerly Bob Provost, from Chicago) who, when commenting on hunting law reform in Italy, said the “protection of creation” was a “matter of moral significance.” What did he mean? Is it Damnation or Eternal Blessing for hunters who send cute animal souls heavenward?
- Be extremely careful when hunting bears; they do not like their picture taken, especially with flash.
Lastly, keep the family Dog close by. You wouldn’t want that sweet head mounted over some hunter’s fireplace.
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