Creating positive marriage

There is an old joke about a man who is granted an audience with God. When his friends asked him to describe God he replied, “Truly magnificent, but kind of pushy.”
Most people seem to find it hard to say entirely nice things about anyone until the funeral. Maybe we are afraid of putting people on a pedestal for fear they will be too good for us, or think that by denigrating another, we will feel better about ourselves. We’ve all likely noticed that when men and women gather in separate groups they tend to complain about their mates. It is almost socially unacceptable to praise your spouse in these settings. Among men, a man who talks about how much he loves his wife, and about how wonderful he thinks she is, will likely be labeled “whipped.” Among women the negative pressure isn’t as great, but a woman who lavishly praises her partner will still tend to be looked on suspiciously. Either she is in denial, or she should have the social grace not to be so vocal about her good fortune. Unless it’s their birthday, or your anniversary, public praising of your spouse is not a widespread practice. The traditional “war of the sexes” has resulted in both men and women having an easier time bonding with their own gender. Anyone who gives their deepest loyalty to a partner of the opposite sex can be seen as betraying that bond, and risks being rejected by their gender group.
For my television series on marriage, I interviewed a dozen couples with long-term successful marriages. In order to find twelve couples that agreed to be filmed, I had to ask almost 30 couples that I knew to have good marriages. All of these couples privately said they were happily married; they just didn’t want to say so on TV. Most said they just didn’t feel comfortable saying publicly how good their marriages were. It was almost entirely the women who felt this way, and though unsure why, they seemed to feel it was a socially unacceptable thing to do. We appear to live in a world where it is rude to talk about our happiness. I believe it’s time to change that.
I adore my wife. I have learned more from her about love and being human than from anybody I’ve ever known. I am proud of the person she is and the work she does in the world. Being married to her is the greatest blessing of my life. It is my amazing privilege to be her partner. I am happy to share this with everybody, and I look for opportunities to tell her every day. Yet I notice, even as I write these words, that I think some of you will scoff, or others think I’m bragging. My own thought is that, if I didn’t feel this way, and wasn’t happy to shout it from the rooftops, then what am I doing giving marriage advice to others? I knew a relationship therapist who had been divorced four times, and thought this made her an expert. While it’s fine to learn from our mistakes, it’s better to learn from our successes. When seeking relationship advice, whether from a professional or a friend, consider their track record in their own relationships. After all, if a blind man tells you he doesn’t like the color of your clothes, you may want to get another opinion.
I recommend the following practice to increase the level of positive expression in your marriage. Tell your partner the good stuff.
Most couples I see are more likely to express complaints to the other than positive feelings. If you are really displeased more often than you are pleased by your partner, then your relationship has much deeper problems. However, most people I talk to actually like and admire more things about their partner, than things they dislike. Yet, it is the negative that is expressed more often. Reverse that. Take the time to tell your partner the things you like and admire about them. Let them know when he/she does something you appreciate or respect. This is not just saying thank you when they do something for you, but expressing admiration. You may want to do a daily exercise of each saying three things you appreciate about the other.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He currently works with individuals and couples in Sonoma.