Submitted Photo
This column is a public service. I’ve worked in the restaurant industry for around 20 years, the last half of which as a bartender. I’ve heard all the lines, seen all the possible scenarios and it is high time I pass some of my experiences on to you. I’m going to use the first installment to discuss the single most important topic to bartenders. There’s no point in dancing around it, so here it is: we all work for tips.
A well-informed bartender can provide you with services that are nearly legion. I offer speedy service for the needy, cheap psychotherapy for the troubled and directions for the lost. I’ll greet you with a smile (if appropriate), protect your belongings, help you secure a hotel or restaurant reservation and pretend to care about your long winded story involving your hamster, your step parent and a Roomba. These services are merely the tip of the iceberg. I do these things for everyone. Good tippers open themselves up to a higher level of service, and all it takes is one dollar for every drink ordered.
If you are a known great tipper, I’ll lie for you, introduce you to cute members of the opposite sex (and guide you away from horrendous mistakes), counsel you on a life-altering choice or invent a new drink for you on the spot. I’ll want to tell you how great your shoes are or how much hotter you are than your friend.
When you enter any bar and order a drink from the bartender, you enter into a mutually beneficial agreement. I provide you with whatever I feasibly can and you agree to tip me. Failure on my part is easily correctable. If you’re not satisfied with your drink or order, I’ll replace it with something more to your liking. You need only ask.
Failure to hold up your end of the bargain results in a whole slew of ramifications.
Mysteriously, I get to you slower. Or I skip over you until you get so hard to see that you’re practically invisible. This matters in a busy bar. No one likes waiting. Your petty offenses start to rack up, which may result in getting cut off. I’ll turn my back when you start flirting with that she-beast or I’ll suddenly need to go stock beer when the creepy guy decides that you are the hottest girl in the Bay Area.
I want to help you. But I need you to help me, too. A verbal tip does not feed my girlfriend. Besides, I already know I make a mean drink and my kid is smart. Acceptable gratuities come in many forms but the best ones are in your wallet. They have pictures of dead presidents on them. A dollar a drink is a paltry price to pay for your continued enjoyment. If you have only enough money to cover the price of the drink, you shouldn’t drink in public. You should have gone to your corner liquor store, bought a handle of vodka and stayed at home on the couch watching reruns. Be kind to your bartenders and they will be kind in return.
If this was column was eye-opening to you, don’t fret. There are plenty of opportunities to change your ways. We know who you are even if you do not. Go to your local bar, drop a “fin” on the bartender and watch your bar experience blossom.
Next month I’ll continue this discussion by explaining how bartenders decide which customers are helped (hint: it is not based on tipping alone) and touch on ordering etiquette. Feel free to leave comments, questions and suggestions at bartender@thmm.com.
