One of the most essential questions any couple faces is whether to have children. While getting married and having children have traditionally been inextricably linked, these days that is not nearly as true. In today’s America more than fifty percent of children are not living in a two-parent household. More women are choosing to have children without a partner. The divorce rate for marriages with children is only slightly below that for marriages without kids. In times past, children were seen as an economic necessity, needed to help with the work of living, and to take care of parents in their old age. While children may still be a great source of emotional satisfaction, the notion of children as a retirement plan has largely faded. Combine these factors with the availability of reliable birth control, and having children has become far more a choice than an inevitability for most couples. So, how do we effectively approach that choice?
To begin with, we must recognize that children are what we call a deal-breaker within a relationship. A deal-breaker is any issue in which there is no room for compromise, and therefore negates the possibility of partnership. These can be such things as strong religious differences, commitment to fidelity, or even where to live. Anything which can’t be compromised but is mutually exclusive is a deal-breaker. It is important to explore all these core issues before a commitment is made, or it is likely they will be being discussed later with a divorce lawyer. No matter how much we are attracted to someone, or even love that person, it is critical to be honest about your deal-breakers in the early part of a developing relationship. It is better to find out before the commitment is made, and to suffer the disappointment that the relationship can’t reach partnership, than to go through the pain of divorce.
If one person definitely wants children, and the other person doesn’t, there is no compromise available. You either have a child or you don’t. If one partner goes along just to make the other one happy, the chances of the relationship ending badly skyrocket. Being a parent when you don’t want to be, or giving up parenthood when you deeply desire that experience, is enough to create deep and irreparable resentment between partners. With this, as with all deal-breaker questions, you must first be truthful with yourself. Some people simply don’t want kids, or know that they are not cut out for parenthood. Others have always known they wanted children. I think most people are somewhere in the middle, and therefore must look deeply at the issue to discover their truth.
Many studies in recent years are showing that the long-term effects of divorce on children are far more negative than previously thought. Even when children are fully grown and out of the house, they can still be severely traumatized by their parents divorcing. My sister was 21 when our parents divorced. Forty years later she still struggles with her feelings about it. This is not to say that people should stay in a bad marriage, or stay together just for the kids. Living in truly unhappy marriage, and especially one containing abuse, can be even more damaging to children than divorce. Instead couples will want to look hard at whether they truly want kids, and whether the marriage is strong enough to embrace them.
If you already have kids, or are planning to have them, my KSVY radio show this Friday will be especially valuable to you. My guest will be best selling author Dr. Tomas Phelan, creator of the book “1, 2, 3, Magic.” This book is the best I’ve ever read about positive discipline for younger children. He has created a clear and simple system for creating a happier, more loving and peaceful home for both parents and children.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He currently works with individuals and couples, and teaches marriage classes, in Sonoma, California. He hosts “The Relationship Show” on KSVY 91.3 Sonoma every Friday at 2:00 p.m.
