I am a great believer in the value of commitment in relationships. It is when the threat of abandonment is reduced, by the commitment to work through problems and painful feelings, that the real value of a relationship can be discovered. By relieving the fear that one wrong thing said or done could end the relationship, the relationship becomes a safe place in which we can do our inner work, express our deepest thoughts, and open our hearts fully. There are, however, lines that must not be crossed. Actions that are so damaging to the integrity of the relationship, so insulting to the spirit of respect, caring and safety that are necessary for a successful relationship, that even a single occurrence can end that relationship. Physical abuse is number one among these.
There is simply never an acceptable reason for physical violence between partners. No matter how angry, frustrated or scared, striking the first blow is never justified. It is a rare relationship that can ever emotionally recover from an incident of domestic violence. While many people do stay in these relationships, unless a massive effort is made to clean up the damage done by the abuse, and it is never repeated, it is very unlikely to end well. It is important to understand just how diminishing violence is to both people involved to see why the cycle must be broken immediately.
In order for one person to feel that they have the right to inflict repeated violence on another person, the abuser must see the abused as fundamentally less important or even less human. This is why in war it is necessary for soldiers to see their enemies as less than human. It is easier to kill a “Kraut,” “Gook” or “Towelhead,” than a fellow human being. However, unless the soldier is a sociopath, in their heart they know that the person they are fighting is probably just another scared kid following orders and trying to survive. Those who survive the war are often haunted for the rest of their lives by the brutality they were forced to inflict on their fellow humans. In violence there are no winners, just survivors.
Domestic violence damages both people. For example, a man who beats a woman repeatedly must see that woman as inferior to himself. But it will not be sufficient to see just that woman as less; even if he didn’t start out that way, he will come to see all women as inferior. Even if the abusive relationship ends, his negative attitude towards women will despoil his relationships with all the women in his life, even his daughters. The woman who tolerates being abused will almost inevitably come to see herself as deserving of the abuse. Otherwise how could she justify staying in the relationship. Each incident will further diminish her self esteem, and if she eventually leaves, recovering her self confidence will be a long, difficult process.
Abusive marriages damage not just the couple, but any children they may have. The children need not be directly abused, just watching their parents’ fight, leaves deep scars. The fear that the violence might spread to them creates an atmosphere of fear in which children do not thrive. Often children from abusive homes carry on the legacy and become either abusive or abused spouses. Though this does not always happen, these children will almost certainly have difficulty forming, or feeling safe in intimate relationships.
Fortunately, there are now many resources available to the abused spouse that didn’t exist in years past. Social services, the legal system, shelters, support groups, and the basic change in the status of women in society, has made the possibility of escaping from an abusive relationship much greater. Tolerating abuse is never the best course. If you are in an abusive relationship, whether as abuser or abused, seek professional help immediately.
Violence is not the only form of abusive relationship. Verbal abuse is much more wide- spread, and can be much more subtle. On this Friday’s show I will be talking with Patricia Evans, a nationally known expert on verbal abuse. She has written many books on the subject, and will talk about how to recognize verbal abuse and how a verbally abusive relationship can be fixed.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He currently works with individuals and couples, and teaches marriage classes, in Sonoma, California. He hosts “The Relationship Show” on KSVY 91.3 Sonoma every Friday at 2:00 PM.
