Dr. Jeffrey Low
THE RELATIONSHIP COLUMN
This is a very family-oriented time of year. Millions of people will travel great distances to gather with their families to celebrate the religious or secular holiday of their choice. Yet, the very nature and meaning of family has undergone a massive change just within many of our lifetimes. While many in the political and social areas call for a return to “family values,” I don’t believe society can ever really go backwards. Instead, we must examine what family means to us today, and what value it may serve in modern life.
Traditionally family was defined by blood. Humans are, by our ancient genetic programming, pack animals. This is a simple matter of species survival. Protection from predators, acquisition of food, the raising of off-spring, were all done more effectively by a group. We are a physically vulnerable species, but our brains give us organizational skills way beyond any others. We’ve used these skills to work our way to the top of the food chain, and the family structure has been primary in our ascension. In earlier times, people in a specific geographical area pretty much all looked alike. It took millions of years of evolution for humans to develop the skills to travel far enough to create conflict based on racial differences. So if everyone looked similar, yet they still fought over scarce resources, how could you tell who was the enemy? Throughout the animal kingdom, genetics rule. Those that share our genes are those to whom we are bonded. Love them or hate them, you needed your family to survive.
It may well be that the single biggest change brought about by the industrial revolution of the last century is the ability of the average person to survive in a far more isolated manner. The development of society to provide work, food, basic services, and the like to individuals has vastly lessened the need for family attachments. Don’t like the family you were born into? Buy a car, drive to a city far away, and start over. Don’t like the spouse and family you’ve created? Get a divorce, move away, and try again. We live in a world where getting a new start is simpler than it’s ever been. Yet the pull towards creating a family, a place where one feels safety and belonging, runs deep within us. We are motivated to create new families in our new locations. However, the purpose of these families has changed significantly due to the changes in society. We may not need families for basic survival anymore, but we want them in order to grow and flourish as human beings.
We now have many choices of lifestyle. But whether we are straight or gay, single or coupled, live alone or in a group, self-employed or in a giant company, we all experience a deep desire to be connected. Some people may have buried the feelings deep, but we all hunger for love and a sense of belonging. But the changes have come so fast, the breakdown of traditional structures so great, that many are lost, confused or conflicted over how to create family. If it’s not based on blood, on what do we base our sense of belonging?
For many of us, as much as we might wish it were different, we’ve discovered the truth of the saying “You can’t go home again.” Our birth families are not safe or loving environments. The pull of blood lines may pull us back, but mostly what is there is more disappointment and pain. For those of you who came from loving homes, where a sense of family bond still is strong, count your blessings. For those who did not, I offer the same suggestion; count your blessings. There are lots of people out there who either already love you, or who would be happy for the opportunity. Instead of trying to resurrect a family that never was, spend your energy on strengthening the bonds with the people you have chosen to be part of your life now. Our families are whoever we choose them to be, and it is the power of our love and commitment to them that creates the sense of belonging we seek.
There will be more about creating connections in next week’s column.
My guest on the radio this week will be Elizabeth Einstein, one of the nation’s leading experts on the lives of step-families. We will explore the unique challenges and rewards created by blended families.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He currently works with individuals and couples, and teaches marriage classes, in Sonoma, California. He hosts “The Relationship Show” on KSVY every Friday at 2 p.m..
