Snark Infested Waters ~ Bob Edwards

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Asylum for all!

Posted on May 23, 2019 by Bob Edwards

Readers know that nothing catches the attention of Valley residents and politicians like issues of Social Justice, particularly those surrounding the issue of Immigration.  

The Statue of Liberty notwithstanding, immigration has confounded the nation for years. Some say it first became a political hot potato in the 19th century when, as retold in Confederate history books, President Lincoln cruelly denied African Americans the right to freely emigrate to America. In 1882, an emboldened Congress banned employers from importing Chinese workers, even with tariffs. This deprived Chinese migrants and their descendants of rights “guaranteed” to African Americans in many communities to this day: to be choked, shot, and/or beaten by police on Free Soil.

Well, a solution could finally be on the horizon.  

But first, a Disclaimer. Readers should note that, by definition, horizons are not nearby.  With America’s vision of the future blocked by its trees, buildings, and Mountains’ Majesty, horizons can’t even be seen except when standing on vast prairies, high hilltops, beaches, ships at sea or in planes flying far above the clouds.  

What’s more, as taught in godless public schools, the Earth is round, which is why the faster one rushes toward the horizon, the faster the horizon recedes into the future. This explains why problems whose solutions lie “on the horizon” are never solved.

But enough Science. Let’s talk Facts.

The fact is that on a planet of 7.5 billion people and scores of countries that come and go and whose boundaries shift with each day’s war, problems of Immigration – particularly Asylum – will only be solved through International Cooperation.  

Yes, there are treaties dealing with refugees from war and other strife. But as cell phone newsfeeds indicate, those treaties are being severely strained worldwide.   

The main cause of stress is that people living in one country minding their own business and watching Game of Thrones do not appreciate being interrupted by tens of thousands of Night Walkers – with swarms of kids in tow – suddenly showing up on their side of The Wall seeking food, housing, medical care, education, jobs, and Rights.    

That’s a lot to expect, especially if The Walkers are browner than the locals. Or talk funny. Or worship Zantus instead of Haysus. And especially if the locals themselves do not have enough food, housing, medical care, etc.  

That’s especially so in America, with a Patriotic Tradition of fertilizing prairies and cotton fields with the remains of people whose skin was not an approved shade of Pilgrim White  (e.g., Chalk White, Promenade, Peignoir, Alabaster, Wimborne White, Super White, Marshmallow, or Shiplap).

So what’s a Caring Nation to do?  The answer: “Guaranteed Reciprocal Asylum.” Here’s how it could work:

Citizens from any country that currently guarantees one or more of the following:

  • Universal healthcare
  • Free College
  • Low-cost pharmaceuticals
  • Basic Income Support
  • Full voting rights
  • Free abortion
  • Intact infrastructure

and which guarantees all Americans reciprocal asylum upon request in their countries, could receive Free Asylum in the U.S., along with:

  • Immediate U.S. citizenship
  • Guaranteed jobs picking lettuce, slaughtering livestock, etc.
  • The best Tent Housing money can buy
  • Thermal blankets
  • Free K-12 Education in schools staffed by fully-armed teachers
  • Free burial in an abandoned coal mine of their choice
  • Daily opioids, with free delivery via Amazon Prime
  • Unlimited ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ for any tragic occasion

Readers who think Guaranteed Reciprocal Asylum could be the Final Solution to our immigration dilemma should call their Congressperson’s voice robot today and leave a message of support. Or press # for more options.

 



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