Get off my LAWN!
To say the world seems Off Kilter these days is an understatement. Of course, this assumes some consensus as to what “kilter” is and how the world would be if it was On Kilter, and if that would be good or bad.
Per dictionaries, “kilter” means “balance.” Balance implies Steady. Orderly. Predictable. Calm. Not chaotic, haphazard, thrill-of-the-moment shapeshifting from one insanity to another.
For Humans (and sentient beings, too) “on kilter” requires far fewer therapists, seat belts & soothing bath oils to establish & preserve that Sensation of Safety, of Well-Being.
If you think the world is Off Kilter, you are definitely not alone. One needn’t look abroad for Off-Kilter (e.g., the collapse of Afghanistan; Haiti earthquakes, hurricanes & floods; Greek islands ablaze). Or even around the country (health systems in crisis; empty reservoirs; raging wildfires; the Republican Party). These disasters are magnified in a Plague fueled by superspreader gatherings like the Sturgis motorcycle rally (500,000+ unmasked Patriots) and the opening of schools packed with unvaccinated kids.
To safely glimpse Off-Kilter, you could attempt to decipher, if you can find it, the CDC’s latest revision of “Mask Rules for In-Person Gatherings and Canasta Tournaments.” [NOTE: Per the small print, these rules are only advisory in Confederate states with average IQs below average, unless all counties in said states were 50% vaccinated within 365 days after COVID was first detected in a dove perched on a fragment of the True Cross wedged crosswise in the Suez Canal.] CDC rules are nothing if not precise, and occasionally helpful.
Here in our Valley, there are plenty of our neighbors at wits end over Closer-To-Home Off-Kilter, and sputtering with the rage of Clint Eastwood’s classic rant in Gran Torino: “Get Off My Lawn!!” You’ve probably encountered such rants, or yelled or typed them yourself IN ALL CAPS! If not, turn on your Social Media Device and you’ll find many examples. Here are some we’ve come across:
- “Loud-muffler cars ROARING through town at all hours of the day and night! WHERE ARE THE F*****G COPS???”
- “Entire families riding bikes — IN PACKS — ON THE G**DAMNED SIDEWALKS NO LESS!!”
- “HEY, LADY! YEAH, YOU — with the triple-wide baby stroller in Safeway yesterday — HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU NEED ??”
- “LOOK AT THE F****** TOURISTS on Segways & Go-Carts, startling pedestrians in the crosswalks and bike paths. HEY!!! CAN’T YOU SEE??? PEOPLE ARE WALKIN’ HERE!!!”
- “OPEN THE SCHOOLS? WHAT . . . SO UNVAXXED SNOT-NOSED KIDS CAN SPREAD PLAGUE AND KILL US ALL?? ARE YOU NUTS???”
- “FIREWORKS?? The FIRE DEPARTMENT is setting off FIREWORKS IN THE MIDDLE OF A DROUGHT??!!??”
- “THE CITY WATERS THE PARKS AND THE WHOLE DAMNED PLAZA, THEN WANTS ME to LET MY LAWN DIE??!! NO WAY!
- “SHOP LOCAL??? YOU MEAN AT REAL STORES WHERE REAL PEOPLE BREATHE OUT COVID??? ARE YOU CRAZY?? CALL AMAZON – – – THEY DELIVER!!”
- Cut OUR water use by 20%??? WHY??? SO DEVELOPERS CAN BUILD MORE WATER-SUCKING HOUSES FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T LIVE HERE NOW!!!??
- ANOTHER RESTAURANT ON THE SIDEWALK?? WHAT IS THIS — MUMBAI??? WHAT’S NEXT – – GOIN’ POTTY IN THE GUTTERS???!!
Yes, everything — and everyone? seems a little Off-Kilter. Fortunately, Sonoma is famous for wine, so RELAX and pick up a few cases. With the “Delta” variant still raging, we’re not even halfway through the Greek alphabet.
